New Normal
by ahsahsahs
Summary: He didn't remember anything. He didn't remember her. And that was what hurt the most. Just when she thought she could pack up and leave, shit hits the fan. Canon divergence from 3x20. Cursed!Killian
1. Cursed

"Next time you try to take my power away, why don't you try enchanting the lips of someone I'd actually kiss?"

"See, Emma, you've got a decision to make – you can keep your magic, which makes you oh, so sad," Zelena strode closer towards them, "or you can save the man that you can't wait to run away from."

It happened too quickly for Emma to even react. One moment he was _right there_ - and the next she heard the vague sound of Gold's moniker being spoken followed by him _not being there._ All coherent thought had left her mind as she saw his body being forced under the water of the well. It took her a second to react before she raced towards him.

The yell of Hook's name was heard, only later realizing the sound had come from her. She tried, and tried, and tried to pull him out but a force stronger than her – magic – was keeping him under.

"Choose wisely," she heard Zelena taunt over the sounds of splashing and her rapid heartbeat, "Try all you like," she sneered as Emma ignored her and continued to attempt to pull him out, "– you can't free him." A high-pitched cackle erupted from her, "Oh, and a little heads up? He may change slightly_ if _he wakes up."

When Emma turned to Zelena about to yell or do _something_, the last thing she saw was a wide sadistic grin before green smoke clouded the two figures and then they were _gone._

It felt like hours before the magical force holding him under the surface of the water vanished, but the moment it wore off, Emma managed to pull him out and succeeded to cushion his head from the fall with her hand in time.

"Hook, Hook, _Hook_ – wake up!" she tried yelling at him into consciousness but to no avail. "Killian – _Killian_, come back to me," she tried again.

It felt like her heart was going to beat out of her chest any moment now. She continued to shake his lifeless body but _he wasn't waking up_.

'_He may change slightly if he wakes up'_? Zelena's last words replayed in her head. What did that even mean?

_Rationally_, there were two choices: keep her magic and defeat Zelena once and for all; or lose her magic and save _him_. _Realistically_, there was only one choice.

She had to save him, 'changes' and her magic be damned.

"Please, _please_ wake up," she whispered as she leaned down and touched her lips to his softly but insistently, willing him back to consciousness. She squeezed her eyes shut, her hand clutching on the collar of his coat as she silently prayed for him to _wake up_.

She felt the magic drain from her and vanish into the air, but she couldn't care any less. At that moment, it was just _him_.

Eventually, she pulled away. When he didn't wake up immediately, she panicked, shaking his body to get _anything _from him.

_Come on, come on_, she repeated in her head over and over again.

She let go of a breath she hadn't known she was holding when he started coughing out the water. She tilted his head to the side to help accommodate him.

When he stared at her, those blue eyes she never knew she could miss so much meeting hers of green, something was _off_.

He sat up slowly, his only hand clutching his chest as though it was hard to breathe (it probably was) as he contemplated his surroundings and the situation.

"What the bloody hell happened?" he managed to get out before coughing out the last bits of water.

She didn't know what to tell him._ I kissed you to save your life but in turn lost my magic and lost any hope in defeating Zelena?_ She opened her mouth searching for something to say to him but at that moment she was just _so relieved_. He was alright and that's all that mattered.

Against better judgment, she leaned forward and pulled him into a hug that he hesitantly responded to.

"I thought you died," she breathed as she held onto him tightly. "I- I had to save you."

After pulling away, he smiled at her, "Well then, thank you for saving me, Ms…?" he trailed off in a questioning tone as if to ask her to finish his sentence for him.

She studied his face, searching for what on earth he meant by that. _He was being an idiot_, _just one of his bad jokes_, her mind tried to rationalize with herself, but when she found no lies in his eyes, the warning bells sounded.

He continued to look at her questioningly when she still hadn't answered. "Your name, lass?"

She opened her mouth, but nothing came out. He was probably just playing around.

"Emma – Emma Swan," she finally managed to get out without stuttering.

"Emma," he repeated with a small smile. "Killian Jones," he introduced.

_I know_, she had wanted to say, but she was too stunned by what was happening.

He began to stand up slowly. When he was fully upright, he ran his hand through his damp hair, before offering his other hand to Emma to pull her up. When he noticed the hook, he pulled it back, holding out the other hand instead. "Sorry, lass. I usually wear my prosthetic," he apologized, grinning embarrassedly.

She shook it off with a small smile, trying to play _everything _coolly as if this was completely normal. "Hey, we better go and get you checked out at the hospital," she mentioned while straightening out her coat.

Regina would be there and right now, she _really _needed her to tell her what the hell was going on with Killian.

"I'll give you a lift," she smiled.

* * *

The car ride was unexciting. He'd made small talk, but she didn't find out much. All she knew was that somehow he believed that there was some sort of costume party last night at his 'mate's' place when he apologized for his odd attire.

When they reached the hospital, she managed to steer him clear from any talk of magic and time portals and flying monkeys.

She found Dr. Whale and pulled him aside to explain their situation, begging him to have Killian checked out while promising him to not mention a word about supernatural things. He gave her a curt nod before ushering Killian into the examining room whom managed to get out a 'thank you, Swan!' before the curtains were drawn on him.

A distressed pair of Regina and David came thundering to her asking her what had happened at the farmhouse. She was just about to answer the numerous questions when David cut her off with another question.

"Wait – where's Hook?"

"Yeah, that's the thing," Emma winced and both David and Regina looked at her confused.

She went into a full account of what happened, ignoring the 'But Emma, your magic!' her father had interrupted with, and continuing with Killian's _(she caught herself and made sure to call him Hook) _condition.

"He doesn't remember me," she said, ignoring how much it hurt to speak the words. "All I know is that he thinks he went to some costume party last night."

"She really covered all her tracks, didn't she?" Regina scoffed, folding her arms in the process. "From what you're telling me, he seems to be under a curse."

"A curse?" her and her father asked in unison.

"It seems that my beloved sister managed to not only curse his lips to take your magic away, but to also put him under cursed memories when he kissed- _you _kissed _him_," she explained. "Kind of like how I gave the town fake memories when I enacted the curse," she added quickly after.

"So, what do we do?" David chimed in.

Regina shrugged her shoulders. "Seeing as the Savior here wasted her powers on her on our local pirate-"

"_Wasted?_" Emma's voice cracked. "He was going to _die_. I _had _to save him. I didn't have a choice."

"_Sacrifice _is a choice too-"

"I was _not _going to let him die – he was the only one who came back for me. So don't talk to me about damn sacrifice and find us another way to defeat your _bloody_ sister," she snapped, effectively shutting her up. _Good_, Emma thought, as she stared coldly back into Regina's shocked face.

She felt Henry come to her side before he spoke. "You can do it, mom – _you_ can defeat Zelena."

She was just about to tell him how she didn't have her light magic anymore and that was Zelena's _only _weakness, when she looked down at him to find out that he wasn't talking to her. He was talking to Regina.

"Henry," Regina coaxed, "I _don't _have light magic, Emma's the only-"

"When you kissed me that was light magic. I know you can do it, and you do too. You're just scared," Henry stared at her with his big hopeful eyes.

"Henry-" Regina tried again, but was cut short when Robin's hand fell on her shoulder.

"You can do it," he convinced her firmly.

Emma stared at her, giving her a small nod, and Regina sighed. "Alright then – let's end this."

* * *

Henry was right about Regina being able to defeat her.

Zelena had set everything up, ready to activate the time portal when they showed up. She cackled obnoxiously when she saw that Killian wasn't part of their small ensemble. With two flicks of her wrist, David, Robin and Emma were thrown down, while she pulled Regina into midair.

The look on her face when Regina had conjured up every ounce of light magic in her was (for lack of a better word) _priceless_.

Everything happened rather quickly after that. Gold managed to regain control over his actions, Regina got her heart back, and David got his baby back.

Regina silently told Emma that she could handle this and that she should return to the hospital with David with a small nod and smile.

Emma had managed to pull Henry aside before leaving for the anti-climatic 'final battle', making him keep Killian occupied. He gave her a sweet smile accompanied with a "Funny how _I'm _protecting him from the truth now, huh?"

She followed her father to see Snow with the baby for a short while before dashing across the level to the other side of the level where she assumed Killian still was preferably with her son. When she pulled aside the curtains, she found him sitting on the edge of the hospital bed, his legs dangling, while Henry lounged on the visitor's chair.

"Mom!" he jumped off his seat. "You're back!" he rushed over to her and hugged her.

Emma put her arm around Henry's shoulder, squeezing him to her side.

"Your son is good company," Killian mentioned, bringing her attention to him. He smiled softly at her with his bright cerulean eyes, and her heart nearly stopped at the memory of how she thought she'd never see those eyes again.

"I- I hope you're feeling better," she managed to get out after a moment of silence. He nodded, smiling softly once more at her. "I'm going to have to steal Henry away for a moment."

She and Henry walked away from the room and she pulled him aside so that Killian wouldn't be able to hear what they were saying.

"So? Did you find out anything?" she asked when it was safe.

"Well apparently, he thinks he lives in Portland and that he stumbled upon Storybrooke after a drunken costume party," Henry shrugged. "He doesn't remember any of us, so he got really confused when I told him I had two moms."

"You did clear that up, _didn't you_?" Emma asked quickly, her heart nearly jumping out of her chest because having _two moms _could be _vastly _misinterpreted.

_Not like he has to know you're single or anything_, a small voice defended.

"Yup," he smiled up at her.

"Do you know if he thinks he's planning to stay?"

"I think so," Henry shrugged. "He said he'll stick around for awhile. You're going to fix him aren't you?"

"I lost my magic – you know that-"

"You'll find a way," her son said confidently. "Especially since it's him," he added shortly after.

"What's that supposed to mean?" Emma raised a questioning brow.

He shrugged. "I mean, after all he's done for me- you- _us_, I think we owe it to him. You know," he added when Emma's expressions remained the same, "he helped save me in Neverland, then he came back for us, _and_ he _did _stop me from running away."

Emma nodded, her brain processing what her son had just told her. He was right, of course, he _had _done all those things for them. He did more than just help save Henry, he never stopped believing they'd find him and he managed to put his jealousy aside to finish the job. It wasn't only that, he was bringing them back to the place he hated the most, with the person (who he had sworn not to try to kill) he hated the most.

And then of course the curse came, and she had a year of plain normalcy. But from what he'd mentioned, she couldn't imagine what he went through in that year. Then he came back for her. He saved her.

He'd done that and so much more, and she was so ready to jump the gun on him. She realized now how harsh she had been to him before when he'd made a small mistake.

_'__Why don't you try enchanting the lips of someone I'd actually kiss?'_

Those were the last words he'd heard before being thrown into the well. And now, he didn't even know who she was. If she could take it all back, she would in a matter of milliseconds. But she couldn't, and now she'd lost the man she'd come to _care _for.

Of course there was also the time when he stopped Henry from running-

"_Running away_? When was this?" She went into full maternal mode, and Henry grimaced at the slip of information.

"I was angry at you and I just wanted to _go home_. He stopped me. He protected me."

_Great_, now she felt like even more of an asshole.

"We'll talk about this later," she warned Henry, "Now go meet your uncle," she said as she ushered him into the direction of Snow's room.

Taking a deep breath, she reentered the room.

"So since you're new here and I'm the sheriff," she started off confidently, "I feel obligated to help you get settled in – you are sticking around, aren't you?" she added quickly.

"For awhile, it all depends. I don't really have anything to go home to, so I could stay while," he smiled, but she saw the sadness he was hiding beneath it.

Hearing those words made her heart hurt, because even in these alternate memories Zelena had created for him, he was still alone. She hurt for him. He couldn't even get a moment of peace, could he? His smile was soft, but the tired look she'd tried ignoring before still remained.

"Yeah well, our little town have limited accommodations, so there's this little inn by the diner," she trailed off unsure of what she was really saying. "I'm staying there too, so I could give you a lift," she suggested.

"Lovely," he replied cheerily, hopping off of the bed and landing on the ground. He picked his coat off the bed and shrugged it on.

She led him to her car, and he asked _normal _questions – questions _Hook _would never ask. Selfishly, she wanted this, she wanted normal.

And she wanted him.

In the back of her mind, she contemplated not ever telling him. Maybe they could go back to New York together and be _normal_. But that was selfish.

Also, he didn't know her. He wouldn't move states for a girl he's had three conversations with.

"Love?" he asked, pulling her out of her thoughts. He cocked his head to look at her, but she continued to keep her eyes on the road. "I asked why you live in the inn, when you're the sheriff. Shouldn't you have a place already?"

_Shit_, she didn't think he'd pick up on that. "Well, I used to stay with Mary Margaret and David, but when her due date was approaching, I thought I should leave them to it," she lied coolly.

_Technically_, it wasn't a full lie. She _did _live with them, only the reason she stopped was a lie.

"I see," he replied unconvinced, but didn't push the matter.

Damn him for always being able to see right through her.

It was one of the things she hated most about him. The fact that no matter the circumstance, he could always read her got on her nerves. Or the fact that he always believed in her, even when _she _didn't. Or the fact that he _always _got her to admit the things she _didn't _to admit.

_Like your feelings for him_, the small voice came back.

"We're here," she murmured as she parked the car after a moment of silence.

She led him inside and told him she'd handle getting a room for him.

Earlier, she managed to text Ruby to tell her to clear up his room, and leave them in hers.

Emma got to explain their situation to Granny in quick hushed words, and she simply smiled and played along. She mouthed a 'thank you' to Granny before turning back to Killian.

"Here are your keys," she handed them to him.

"How much are the-"

"Granny's nice – we don't get many new people, so the first three nights are free," Emma cut in before Killian could finish asking. He looked confused, but nodded anyway. She brought him to his room and opened the door for him. Peering quickly inside, she saw that Ruby had gotten her message and cleared the room nicely. "This is you," she gave him a controlled smile.

"Aye, thank you for everything, Sheriff Swa-" he began as he stepped into the room and turned around to face her.

"Emma," she corrected him. She couldn't bear walking around hearing him call her _Sheriff_. "And if you need anything, Henry and I are just down the hall," she gestured in the direction of her room.

"Thank you, Emma," he said again, a bright smile on his face that made her lips involuntarily curve up too.

He didn't shut the door, instead, he stood there, staring at her with his soft blue eyes – eyes that she never wanted to look away from – but she knew if she didn't move, they could stand there for hours.

Eventually, she walked away, not daring to look back. Only when she reached her door she heard his close.

After locking the door, she trudged

over to the couch and collapsed onto it.

It wasn't supposed to be like this. They were supposed to defeat Zelena together, and then she'd stick around for a day or two before going back to New York. It was selfish that she still wanted to leave, even after everything, but that was _exactly why _she wanted to get out. Henry could have had a normal life back in New York if he never regained his memories back.

"Still thinking of leaving?" A familiar voice spoke, making her jump up into a sitting position on the couch. _He_ was there in all his pirate glory.

_You're not really here, you're not really here,_ she repeated, screwing her eyes shut. _He's in his room, and he doesn't know who I am, _she reminded herself when she felt a rough hand cup her face. Involuntarily she leaned into it, as his thumb stroked her cheek.

"I'm here, love," he spoke softly, making her relax and open her eyes. He was sitting on the coffee table in front of her now so she was looking straight into his eyes. "Not the real me, but this is as good as it gets," he smiled ruefully.

"What're you doing here?" she asked as she felt the tear she was desperately trying to blink away roll down her cheek. She didn't want him to see her cry, not even if this wasn't the real him.

"You needed me, lass – I came."

"Would it be so bad?" she asked, answering his original question, "For me to still want to leave?"

She saw the flicker of hurt in his blue eyes, but he shunned it away. "No," he answered and his lips curled into a forced smile, while he wiped away the stray tear with his thumb. "If that's what you really need, love, then by all means if it makes you happy, leave. It won't be easy for any of us here, even the git over there who doesn't remember you," he nodded his head in the direction of _Killian_.

"You never got to answer my question," she said softly, when he began to look away from her eyes. He looked back up at her confused. "_Did _you think that I could have a good future here," she asked quietly before adding on, "with you?"

Whatever his answer would be didn't scare her. She wasn't _really _asking him. This was a hallucination. She could let down her walls _just this once_.

"That all depends on you, Swan."

"I'm sorry," she murmured and she felt him wipe away yet another tear off her cheek.

He felt _so real_.

"It wasn't your fault, lass."

"How do I get _you_ back?" she asked, and he looked at her sadly.

"That," he sighed, "I couldn't tell you even if I knew. You have to figure that out for yourself."

Several more tears betrayed her and fell, "I don't know if I can," she whispered.

"I've yet to see you fail, Swan," he repeated his words from what felt like years ago. Just the memory of it made her smile.

She let out a breath she didn't even know she was holding before asking, "Will you just sit here with me? It's been a long day and-"

She didn't know why she felt the need to explain herself. Even if he wasn't _real_, it scared her how deeply he felt for her – and how deeply she still refused to admit _she_ felt for _him._

"You don't have to explain yourself," he spoke the words she was thinking.

He rose from his spot on the coffee table and moved to the empty area next to her. He put his arm around her, and she leaned her body against his chest. It was the most innocent of acts, but it felt so intimate.

She knew that when she woke up the next day, he'd be gone, confirming that this was all just a figment of her imagination, but she couldn't help hope silently that he wouldn't – that he was real and she'd wake up in his arms, and that everything was _okay_.

But he wasn't there the next morning.

And things weren't okay.


	2. Gentlemen and Pirates

"_Mom_," she heard Henry whine as he held her shoulder and shook her softly. _"Wake up!"_

She cracked an eye open to find Henry sitting on the coffee table (the same spot _he_ was at) as he continued to shake her. She nodded her head sleepily as she began to sit up, stretching her arms meanwhile.

"Just-" Yawn. "-got here?" she mumbled while looking around the room to check the time. Judging from the light coming through the windows, it was past noon. "Jesus, what time is it?" she asked as she stood up and ran her fingers through her tangled morning hair.

Henry laughed at her attempts of unknotting her messy head of hair. "It's one," he replied. "Grandpa and grandma thought you should sleep in, _you know_, given _yesterday_," he avoided the words as if they were tabooed.

That had completely woken her up. No drop of caffeine was needed when she was reminded of _yesterday._ Oh god, the farmhouse; Killian; Zelena; Killian again; then not _Killian _Killian; Zelena _again_; and finally _Killian_.

She had totally forgotten of all the chaos that broke down the day before, and it felt _good_. For those few short minutes, she felt carefree and normal. It reminded her of how she felt back in New York.

(Lying there listening to imagination of Killian's heartbeat as she slept felt _good _too- great even, though she was always too stubborn to admit it. At the back of her mind, she thought, maybe _those _were the moments her father had asked her to cherish what seemed like years ago, as unreal as they were.)

"Shit, shit, _shit_," she paced aimlessly around the rented room as her brain started to lineup the things she'd have to do for the day to come. "_Crap_, how am I going to keep him away from all the magic talk, and what if he finds something curious-" Emma shuddered at the thought of him walking into Gold's pawn shop to find him creating some potion or something magical that'll have him asking, "- or what if he just leaves-" she nervously rambled on, running her hand through her hair multiple times before Henry stood up and shook her by her shoulders.

"_Mom_," he said, getting her to shut up and look at him. "Firstly, grandpa already spread word on Hook's condition," he began slowly, allowing Emma to breathe slightly better, "And if _you're_ not with him, _I'll_ be with him. And if _I'm _not with him, we'll get someone to do it for us – I promise you that," he smiled up at her and she relaxed. "You can breathe now," he grinned cheekily at his mother.

"Thank you, kid," she leaned down and kissed the top of his head. "I'll go have a shower first, then what do you say to lunch before sorting through the rest of the day?" she suggested and Henry nodded happily.

She was two feet away from the bathroom when he spoke up again. "Mom?" he asked quietly, making her turn around before humming in response. "You know he'd never leave you right?" She was just about to protest when he cut her off. "He may not think he remembers you, but _Killian_ is still down there, somewhere – and he'd _never _leave you."

"I-," she began but realized she had nothing to say. A part of her wanted so badly to trust in Henry's words and trust in Killian, but the other part – the much more stubborn part, couldn't help but scoff at the words. She had been left far too many times by far too many people that she had come to love. She walked over to her son and started again. "Whatever Killian might've felt for me," she chose her words carefully, "this is _not _him. We can't hold him accountable for what Killian would have done, do you understand?"

He nodded his head understandingly. No matter what she said to convince him - or her, more rather - he stood strongly by what he thought. It would take time for her to get there, but he had faith she would. For now, he didn't push her, simply smiling at her, concluding the conversation.

She leaned down and hugged him tightly, whispering a soft 'I love you,' to him.

"How about you go off to the diner and see if he's there? Talk about something that may trigger his memories – just try to be subtle, alright kid?" she proposed. "I'll be out in a minute," she mentioned as she walked towards the bathroom.

She heard the front door shut exactly three seconds after she closed the bathroom door. She knew that Henry didn't buy what she had to say, but she had to try convince him and _her_ that _she _believed her words. Desperately, she wanted to trust her what her son had told her, but her high walls had deflected them away, convincing herself that even the thought of anyone ever staying with her was ridiculous.

She striped off her clothes and turned on the water, finding a good balance between hot and cold. As she stepped under the shower, she thought, _maybe right now, she could just forget everything. Maybe this bathroom would be her safe place. _At least for now, she'd just _forget_.

* * *

When Henry stepped into the diner, he searched the restaurant for a familiar face. His eyes caught Ruby's, who was standing behind the bar counter, and she smiled widely at him. He waved enthusiastically to her and she nodded her head towards a booth, silently asking him to go there. He looked towards the area she was gesturing to and found a recognizable head of dark hair.

He slid in opposite of Killian, a huge smile on his face. He was reading the menu, and if he was surprised at the odd show of friendliness, he didn't show it. Instead, he smiled back almost as widely as Henry did.

"Hello, Killian," Henry greeted.

"Hello, lad," he replied sounding amused with the formality the boy showed him. "What's good here?"

He rose to his feet and leaned over the table, peeking at the menu Killian was holding. He tilted the menu down for him to have a better view and Henry looked at it thoughtfully. "Granny makes _amazing _pancakes, but maybe you should try the eggs Benedict," Henry recommended as he pointed at the image in the menu.

"I trust you, boy," he joked, before calling Ruby over to take his order.

Ruby rushed over, pulling out the small notepad meanwhile. "What would you boys like?"

"The usual," Henry answered confidently, and Ruby winked at him as she jotted his order down.

She turned to Killian. "And for you, Ca-Killian, right?" she caught herself and gave a restrained smile. He looked at her skeptically, but nodded his head nevertheless. Both Ruby and Henry let out a quiet breath at the close call.

"Eggs Benedict for me, lass," he smiled and she noted it down.

"And drinks?"

"Two hot chocolates," Henry chimed in, adding, "Both with cinnamon."

She grinned at him before walking back to the kitchen.

"Cinnamon?" Killian asked after a moment, raising his eyebrow in question.

Henry nodded simply. "You'll like it – trust me. My mom loves it," he mentioned.

Killian hummed in reply, seemingly happy with the boy's answer. "So, where _is_ your lovely mother?" he asked casually.

"She'll be out soon. Anyway," Henry changed the subject swiftly, "you mentioned how you used to work with boats back in Portland, right?" Henry asked and Killian nodded in reply. "Well, I was wondering if you could teach me how to sail a boat with one of the ones here," he asked shyly.

Killian smiled wildly. "I'd love to, lad – but _only_ if your mother allows it," he conditioned.

"What do I have to allow?" Emma chimed in as she appeared at the head of the table.

He turned to Emma with a large grin on his face. "'Ello, lass," he flashed his white teeth. "Your son was just asking if I could teach him how to sail a boat."

Henry looked up at Emma nervously. "Did you?" she asked as she slid in next to him.

"I did," he admitted quietly. "So," he began, "can I, mom?"

Emma knew this was part of his elaborate plan to keep Killian under watch, but she had to play the 'Mom' role not to arise suspicion.

"Only if Killian's-"

"It would really be my pleasure, Swan," he cut in giving her a lopsided grin whilst staring at her intensely with his eyes of light blue.

The moment was cut short when Ruby appeared, placing their meals on the table. After putting the two mugs of hot chocolate in front of Killian and Henry, she turned to Emma.

"Hot chocolate with cinnamon," she said simply, not waiting to be asked. Ruby smiled, giving her a curt nod before leaving the table once more.

"Is that a yes?" Henry asked as he took a sip of his hot chocolate.

"It's a yes," she pretended to give in with an exasperated sigh. Henry looked at her with a smile, his face completely lit up. When she turned back to Killian, she found him mirroring her son, a large grin on his face as well. "I have to get to the station. Be sure to behave," she warned Henry as she slid back out from the booth. She reached for her purse to hand to Henry, but Killian stopped her.

"Please, lass – it's on me."

Thinking it best not to argue on it, she smiled at him sincerely. She leaned into Henry and kissed him on the top of his head. "I'll see you later, kid. Have fun."

She looked at Killian, giving him a short nod before walking towards the door and exiting, the soft jingle of the door opening as she left.

Henry watched Killian as his eyes followed Emma's movements, remaining on the door moments after she'd left the diner. Pulling himself out of his trance, he shook his head softly, a small smile appearing on his lips.

"You like her, don't you!" Henry accused with a smirk.

"I- I've talked to her four times, lad. It's a bit much for me to like her already, don't you think?" he stuttered as he tried to defend himself.

Henry simply shrugged, but the smirk remained. He ignored the young boy's antics as he began to eat his food.

Once they'd finished their lunch, Killian called Ruby for the bill. When she came, she arrived with the receipt as well as a to-go cup. "Emma forgot this," she mentioned, placing in between the two boys.

"I can run to the station to pass it to her?" Henry offered, as Killian paid for the lunch.

"Or I could do it," Killian countered immediately, making both Ruby and Henry unable to control their smiles at his schoolboy crush behavior.

"You could. I'll stay here, then we can go to the docks."

"Fine idea, lad," and then he was off, grabbing the hot chocolate and making his way to the station.

Ruby laughed as she crossed her arms, both of them watching the figure outside of the diner presumably ask for directions to the station. "Emma's got quite the affect on this version of Captain Hook _too_, huh?"

"Oh, you have no idea."

* * *

"First day back on the job, and you're late?" she heard David's voice say as she entered the station.

She shrugged off her leather jacket, draping it over her chair before falling into it.

"First day after my brother is born and you're _working_?" she countered, and he chuckled as he walked towards her before kissing her on the top of her head, just like she'd done to Henry. She smiled up at him while he walked back to his desk and leaned against it.

"There were a few things that needed sorting."

"About that," she swiveled the chair to face him, "thanks for handling the-" she paused for a while, looking for an appropriate word to describe what was happening, "-situation," she decided on.

David shrugged it off, picking up a stack of papers and flipping through them.

"Have you decided on a name for my brother, or do I have to keep calling him 'my brother'?" she asked.

"Your mother's has a name, but I don't know about it yet," he mentioned.

"What's the name?"

He hesitated for a moment, "Neal," he answered softly.

Emma's heart sunk. She didn't know what to make of it. Of course she would always love Neal, but she didn't know what to feel about her brother being named after the person who'd abandoned her all those years ago. What he did may have happened over a decade ago, but the pain was still fresh. Of course he died a heroic death, and deserved to be named after, she just wasn't sure about her own _brother _being named after him.

"Oh?" she said simply, trying not to let her emotions show.

"If you're not okay with it-"

"No, no – I'm fine. _Really_," she tried convincing her father, but she knew he hadn't bought it.

"But that's only your mother. I _may_ have another name."

"Hm?" Emma hummed.

"Liam."

"Liam?" she repeated. The name sounded familiar but she couldn't place it.

"Yeah," David said cautiously. "After Hook's brother."

"_Oh_."

She felt so, _so_ stupid that even her own father knew of Killian's brother and she didn't. _Just shows how much you cared for him, huh?_ A part of her mind taunted.

He had always wanted to know more about her, constantly pressuring her into opening up to him, and she didn't even know the _name_ of his brother. She didn't even know exactly what _happened _to his brother.

"That- he would like that," she forced a smile.

"I mean, I know he and all of us haven't always seen eye-to-eye, but he does deserve credit for everything he's done for us. If it weren't for him, God knows where the rest of us would be," he shrugged nonchalantly.

It was clear who's side each of her parents were on. Her mother was still adamantly on _Team Neal_, whereas her father seemed to be leaning towards _Team Killian_. As much as she knew he wouldn't admit it, Killian was the closest person David could call a _friend_. Between curses, rebuilding a kingdom and fighting an evil witch, the townspeople didn't have much time to _make_ friends.

Just as she was thinking of something to reply, the sound of the station door opening was heard.

"Lass?" _Killian_.

"In here," she called out as she stood up from the chair, straightening out her clothes. A moment later, his head popped out, a huge grin on his face along with it.

"You, uh-" he walked towards her desk gently placing the cup on it, "forgot your hot chocolate," he finished, scratching _that _spot by the back of his ear – a thing she's come to find endearing.

"Oh – thanks," she said and he smiled gingerly at her.

As he stood on the opposite side of her desk, she noticed how he was still wearing his pirate garb – probably not having anything else to wear – and how he left arm was bare. He wore no hook, or no fake hand. He stood there awkwardly for a moment, before they heard the sound of David clearing his throat.

She smiled internally at his 'protective Dad-ness'.

"Right, this is David – my deputy and my _good friend_," she covered up, thinking it'd be _very _odd for Killian if she had said _father. _"His wife just gave birth."

He approached David, holding out his right hand. "Congratulations. I'm Killian," he introduced as he shook his hand firmly.

"David," he gave a nod.

Killian turned back towards Emma and scratched that spot again.

"Uh- lass?" he asked, as he took three cautious steps towards Emma.

Though her attention was towards him, she caught how her father had tried busying himself with something in the background as if to give them their privacy.

"I wanted to know if you'd like to have dinner with me tonight- _or any night_," he quickly added. "_Only if you want to_."

She caught the subtle blush that began forming on his cheeks and she couldn't help think how _adorable _he was.

"I-" she glanced at her father who was quietly watching them while he pretended to look through paperwork, "I can't tonight." His face fell _(just like it had time and time again when she rejected him time and time again)_. "Raincheck?" she added quickly, and the smile reappeared.

"Alright," his grin broadened. "I'll see you around?" he asked unsurely.

"Yeah."

He smiled at her one last time before walking out the door.

_God damn it_, she cursed. She was supposed to be figuring out how to beat this curse, and instead, she had promised to go out _on a date_ with his cursed self.

"That was quick," David's comment pulled her out of her thoughts.

"What?" she asked, furrowing her eyebrows in confusion as she turned back to him.

"That was quick," he repeated. "This version of him has known you less than a day, and he's already stuttering around you," a teasing smile appeared on his lips.

"I- It's not like that-" she defended herself.

"Mhm," he hummed amusingly as he went back to looking through paperwork.

* * *

At a quarter past two, she left the station for Regina's house. If there was anyone who could and _maybe _would help her, it was her. As she pulled into the driveway, Regina opened the front door as if she were psychic _(was she psychic?). _

She was standing by the door with her arms folded, and an expectant look on her face.

"What can I do for you, Emma?" she asked – her tone as civil as she could manage, while Emma made her way to the porch.

"It's about Hook."

Letting out a sigh, Regina stepped aside, "Come in."

* * *

Apparently, according to Henry's _other _mother, whom had interrogated a locked up Zelena (who had her pendant taken away from her and was stuck in one of the many rooms of Regina's house), Killian's memories were altered, just like Emma's were when Pan's curse had separated them. The witch had created a whole new reality for him, making it as legitimate as can be. Zelena had evidently created a new backstory for him, managing to cover all her tracks.

No promises were made, but Regina had said she would try and come up with a memory potion for Killian. She also did mention how it may take weeks, or worse case scenario – _months_.

_God damn it._

She didn't know if she could manage skirting him around talk of magic or _any _magic in that case _(God knows how long till the next villain showed up) _for _months_ without arising suspicion. Even worse, she didn't even know if he would _stay _for months.

She felt bad even thinking it, but she felt the only way he'd want to stay was if she _gave _him a reason to. It was bad enough she'd strung _Hook _along, now she was thinking of stringing this version of Killian Jones along too.

"Penny for your thoughts?"

She looked up from the hands she was hiding her face in to find just the person she was thinking of.

He looked genuinely concerned, his eyebrow raised as he pushed a mug of hot chocolate _(with cinnamon) _towards her.

"Uh- thanks," she said awkwardly.

She looked around the diner to see it empty – the only other people besides herself and Killian were Ruby and another waitress she did not recognize. She must've lost track of time. When she came into the diner after her visit to Regina's, the room was full, and the sun was still dimly shining.

"You alright?"

"Yeah – just a little stressed," she answered. She knew if she said it was 'nothing' when it clearly wasn't, he'd push her and she didn't want to accidentally blurt something out.

He nodded his head understandingly.

"Your boy's a quick learner," he mentioned suddenly after a moment of silence.

She hummed in response as she took a sip of the hot chocolate, staring at him over the cup.

"A natural, he was," she saw him smile fondly. When she didn't reply, he made a notion to get up. "Well, _yeah_. Goodnight-"

"Wait!" she stopped him mid-sentence. He was halfway out of the booth when she interrupted. He looked at her curiously before sitting back down. "I- I don't know much about you," she said, shocking both him and her.

_Where the hell did that come from_, she internally kicked herself.

"What do you want to know?" he asked, cocking his head to the side.

_Tell me about your brother._

_What happened to Milah?_

_Why did you become a pirate?_

_Why me?_

There were so many things she wanted to know of the (in)famous Captain Hook (the last one more than the others). She settled on, "What did you mean by there was no one waiting for you back in Portland?"

_Shit._ That got deep really fast. She saw how his features became more sullen and she knew this was a sensitive matter to _this _Killian.

"It means just that, lass," he answered briefly. "My," he paused, he ran his hand through his dark hair as if to stall, "mother, she died when I was a lad. Four or five I think – I don't recall," _Effects of the curse_, Emma thought to herself as she continued to listen, "My father," he sighed, "he _tried _being a good dad, it just was never in him. He left when I was twelve."

She wanted to say something. _I'm sorry you had to go through that._ Or _I know how you feel._ But she figured he wouldn't appreciate the pity party. _She _wouldn't.

"He wasn't a total wanker, though," he added. "He did leave me with someone. He dropped me off at my aunt's house one day, saying he had some business out of town, and never came back," he smiled as he shook his head. She looked at him skeptically and when he noticed, he brushed her off. "It's funny now, when I think of it."

"I'm sorry," she finally said, feeling the need to reach out and touch him. _But she didn't._ Instead, she clutched the cup tighter in her hands, afraid that if she didn't, her hands would clutch onto his.

She knew _these _wounds from the past weren't real, but they were to him. Whether real or not, _they hurt him_.

"That's all right, lass, I barely remember the _actual _occurrence now," he smiled weakly at her before looking down at his hand. "My aunt wasn't married and didn't have any children. She loved me like her own, she did," his rueful smile turning into a warm one, "But she died shortly after I finished school. She gave me everything she had in her will. I tried furthering my studies, but I didn't feel like I'd have enough money for college tuition, so I worked. Been on my own ever since," he shrugged, finally looking back up at her.

_Quite the story_, she thought. _Of course_, Zelena just had to give him the most depressing past. Couldn't he just have _something _good?

_You mean something like you?_ an accented voice sounded in her head.

Not only was she dreaming of him, now he was practically _in her head._ She shook her head slightly as if to shake him out of there. If the Killian that was sitting opposite her noticed, he didn't say anything about it.

"Sorry for my sob story, Swan," he apologized. "Didn't mean to dampen the mood."

"No – I'm glad you shared," she smiled sincerely at him, and he smiled back, the sparkle coming back to his before dull eyes.

"Hey, guys?" Ruby called as she was wiping the counter clean. Both heads turned at the same time, effectively pulling them out of the 'moment' they were sharing. "I'm closing up."

"Right," Emma said, gulping down the rest of her drink. "Thanks again for this," she raised the now empty cup.

"My pleasure, lass," he winked and she'd be lying if she said that didn't make her stomach flip.

Both of them slid out of their respective seats simultaneously. Emma turned to Ruby, about to say goodnight when she caught her lying back on the counter, propping her elbows on the surface with a wolfish grin on her face. She raised her eyebrows suggestively, making Emma roll her eyes. "Night, you two," she called out, getting Killian to turn towards her now.

"Till tomorrow, lass," he called back before continuing his walk towards his room.

Emma followed behind him, though slowing her pace down in the hopes that he'd reach his room, shut the door and be done with it. She didn't want another awkward goodnight like the night before.

As luck would have it, he didn't. He waited for her at the foot of the stairs, and she gave him her most natural forced smile when she reached him. They walked up the stairs in a not uncomfortable silence. She caught him glancing at her a couple times on the short journey up, but chose to ignore it. His shoulder would sometimes brush against hers, though their skin never once came into contact with each other. She ignored this too.

When they reached his room, she stopped, whereas he continued walking.

"Where're you going?" she asked, and he looked back at her with a shrug a smile.

"Walking you to your room," he answered simply.

"My room is 20 feet away from yours," she replied incredulously.

He shrugged again. "You can never be too safe, lass. God knows who could be lurking in these hallways."

She shook her head at his antics, but couldn't help a soft laugh that escaped her lips. He was such a dork. _This _was probably the type of thing _Killian _would do too, except she probably wouldn't allow it, shutting him down _once again_. It _had _to be different with _this _Killian, she told herself. The other Killian was already in too deep that he was relentless with his pursuits of her. _This _Killian – he could leave whenever he wanted, and she couldn't – and wouldn't – risk it.

She caught up with him, the smile still on her lips as she muttered, "You're ridiculous."

"I prefer a gentleman," he smiled broadly at her.

His words hit her and her smile faltered slightly, but she didn't show it.

_'__I'm always a gentleman'_ he had said to her way back when he tied that scarf around her wound. The distant memory hurt her, but she wouldn't allow it to get to her.

"Right, this is me," she halted and he mirrored her. She pulled out her key from her jean pocket, and fitting it into the keyhole.

It looked like he was going to reach out for her but he restrained himself, balling his right hand into a fist. "Goodnight, Swan," he nodded.

"Night, Jones," she replied. Before anything could happen, she pulled the handle and opened the door, stepping into the room before turning back towards him. She gave him a small smile of which he didn't have the time to return when she closed the door immediately behind her.

She fell back onto the door, her eyes involuntarily shutting as she let out a deep breath she felt like she had held during their whole conversation.

"Bloody hell, lass – _let me in_," she jumped at the voice.

_Not again,_ she sighed when _he _was standing in front of her.

"_Go away_," she muttered weakly and unconvincingly.

He strode closer towards her – always, _always _invading her personal space. He leaned in and planted his good arm flat on the door next to her head. He was so close to her, she could practically smell him – a mixture of rum, sea and leather (though the smell of rum seemed to be fading). If she tilted her chin up the slightest bit, their lips would brush against each other's.

_They wouldn't,_ the rational part of her brain reminded her he wasn't really there.

_"__Please, go away," _she breathed, her eyes closing again, hoping that when she reopened them, he'd be gone.

She felt him lean in closer and closer, his lips just a fraction away from hers. She could _feel _them move against hers already, but then – _nothing_.

"As you wish," she heard him whisper.

When she dared to open her eyes, he was gone.

She was left breathless by a conjured up image. _Pathetic_, she scolded herself. She banged her head against the door lightly, soft thuds followed in their wake.

"Mom?" she saw the silhouetted figure of her son by the bedroom door. His hair was sticking up messily, giving her the briefest flashback of Neal. "Mom, are you alright?"

She moved towards him, placing her arm around his shoulders, squeezing his arm.

"I'm alright," she lied, ushering him to his bed. If it weren't for his sleepy state, he'd see right through it. She pulled the blanket over him when he crawled back into the bed, kissing his forehead and whispering a soft, "I love you, kid."

He mumbled groggily back, "You too, mom."

As she lay in her bed, she stared at the dark figure of Henry, feeling eternally blessed at how lucky she was that she got a do-over when it came to him. If she were to ever lose him- she stopped there, not letting those thoughts consume her. Thankfully, she didn't have to know what it would be like to lose him – _thanks to Hook_.

She rolled over to her other side, hugging her body tightly.

"I miss you," she whispered.

She swore she heard a familiar British voice reply, "I know."

* * *

**A/N: I'd love your reviews telling me if you like this story or not. :)**

_**Don't feel obligated to review just because I say that though!**_


	3. Changes

**A/N: I'm really really sorry! I just got really bored of writing in past tense so I tried present tense. Do tell me which one you prefer. Sorry for the inconsistence. :(**

* * *

She doesn't see him for the whole of the next day. However, she does manage to get seven little dwarves to shadow him so she knows where he is. _Just in case,_ she tells herself.

When Henry comes home that night, his grin is broad. She asks him about it, and he all but answers with a smirk and a _"you'll just have to wait and see_." He falls asleep a little while after, his whole day with Killian - who seems to have bonded quickly with her son – seemingly tiring him out. She decides after flipping through what had to be 30th channel with nothing good playing to go visit her parents and her little brother.

Turns out, it's only her mother she's visiting.

Her father, so it seems, is out getting drinks with none other than Killian.

She lays flat on her back, hands resting on her stomach on the couch while her mother cradles the baby to sleep in the newly assembled rocking chair.

"How are you holding up?" Snow whispers. Emma tilts her head to look at her, wondering why she's speaking in hushed voices when she sees that the baby is finally asleep.

"Relieved," she answers simply. "Thank God the whole Zelena crisis is over," she sighs, turning back to look at the plain ceiling.

"I mean with… _Hook_," she says the name as if tabooed, forcing Emma to turn back to her with furrowed eyebrows.

She props herself on her elbows. "You know he isn't- wasn't that bad right?"

"Well, honey – you _did _tell us not to trust-" she tries to reason, but for some reason, Emma feels more on edge than usual.

"I know what I said – _I was wrong_," she defends the absent Killian.

Snow looks like she's about to say something, but stops herself when she looks down to the sleeping infant. Her hand signals Emma to wait, as she moves to get up and goes to the nursery. She comes back after a minute, baby-less.

"I didn't mean it like that," she tries calmly while settling back into the chair.

"I know," she huffs frustrated, falling back onto the couch. "I just-" she sits up, placing her elbows onto her knees, clasping her hands together. "Do you know what the last thing _Hook _heard me say?" she asks rhetorically, but still waits for her mother to urge her on. "'Next time try enchanting the lips of someone I'd actually kiss.'"

Snow gives a sympathetic sigh and moves to sit next to her as Emma hides her face in her hands.

"I see _him _every night," she mentions while her face remains hidden away. She pulls her face away after a moment of silence to find her mother's expressions looking confused. "On that first night," she explains, "he came, and we talked, and I slept next to him. He was gone the next morning. Yesterday too. Right after _Killian_ left, _he _showed up. He left when I asked him to."

"And today?"

"He kept talking to me while I was watching TV. I couldn't stay there any longer."

Snow wordlessly unclasps Emma's hand from the other and intertwines their fingers.

She's not used to this motherly affection – in between all the chaos that came with the whole family package, there wasn't much time for it. She finds she likes it – misses it, misses something she never really had. She doesn't blame them for it of course, but it's still hard to forget a pain that's been brewing for the better half of three decades.

"Emma," she begins slowly, and Emma faces her, "could these _visions_ of Hook be something more?" she asks. When Emma seems to not be getting it Snow cautiously suggests, "Maybe your _magic_?"

"_My _magic?" Her life was already so odd that the only part of that sentence that seemed completely crazy was her mother suggesting that the magic was hers. "You do know _why_ he's cursed, right? My magic was taken away when I-" When I _what_, exactly? _When I saved his life?_ _When I chose him over magic? When I finally realized how much I __**need **__him? _"When I brought him into this whole mess," she settles on, sighing.

"You did the right thing," Snow reassures, but Emma doesn't buy into it.

Instead of arguing though, she remains silent, frightened that if she does fight back, her mother may throw words like _'sacrifice for those you love isn't bad_' in her face – and Emma does _not _need that right now.

They're quiet for a while, and she cherishes these moments – the moments where she can just sit in silence and be completely comfortable (She has never been one to talk anyway). Thanks to her better judgment to not argue, there isn't that strange feeling she's sure there'd be had she disagreed. It is simply a mother and a daughter sitting together, basking in each other's company.

The moment is ruined when the baby – who has yet to be officially named (Emma calls him 'buddy') – starts crying. Snow gives Emma a rueful look, but she smiles it off, saying she has to get back anyway. They bid their farewells and Emma thanks her mother for listening.

She's on her way to the stairwell when she comes into contact with a very male chest.

The strong smell of rum makes her think _(hope)_ it's Killian, but when she looks up, it's just her _very _drunk father.

Emma laughs at the intoxicated state he's in. "Good night?"

"Your-" Burp "-boyfriend sure knows how to hold his liquor."

She ignores the label her father chooses to use, convincing herself that he won't even remember this encounter, much less what he'd just said. "Okay big guy. Let's get you back home."

She pulls his arm over her shoulder, letting him use her as his anchor, as she leads him back where she came from. When they get to the door, Emma searches through his pockets _(since he's no help at all)_ until she finds the jumble of keys in his inner jacket pocket. She unlocks the door and maneuvers the him into the loft and onto the couch she was sitting on no more than 5 minutes ago.

He, in his drunken state, signals Emma to _'shh'_ when they hear Snow from upstairs. She mirrors his actions if not to humor him before tiptoeing out. It's when she shuts the door she hears the very distinct yell of Snow's voice ("_David James Nolan!"_) and Emma is out of the building before she hears her mother wake up the whole floor.

The streets are empty, except for a lone figure she can only make a silhouette of. After all, Storybrooke isn't known for its night life _(instead, it's known for the big bad fairytale villains the comes and makes Emma's life a living hell)._

She thinks about what her mother told her. She doesn't know what to make of it – he felt so _real_. For all she knew, those visions of Killian could well be something she's conjured up through her light magic. Though it seems unlikely, cause when her lips touched his three days ago, she felt the magic being ripped away from her.

However, magic or not, it doesn't change the fact that Killian is not here, _not really_.

She likes to think that she's confident in Regina finding an antidote. God knows how long she can hold up this charade without scaring him off to the next quirky town.

Whatever it is, she can't lose-

"Swan!" she recognizes the voice immediately.

When she turns around though, she doesn't recognize the person.

It's Killian – but _not_.

He isn't in his usual pirate regalia. Instead of his heavy leather coat, he sports a knitted maroon sweater, and matches it with a tan pair of khakis. It's the first time she _doesn't _see his chest hair _(not that that's something she looks forward to)._

He looks completely different, though in a good way. If she ever imagined him in modern clothing, this would be exactly what she would envision him wearing.

Only when he catches up to her, does she remember her mouth is hanging agape, and _damn him _for looking this good. She shuts her mouth effectively, when his figure comes is lit by the streetlights, and she can she so much clearer now. She feels her mouth begin to open again, but forces it close.

"Hello, lass," he greets cheerfully, and _damn it_, he's supposed to be _drunk._

She manages to get out a _'hey' _without stuttering, and she stalls by shoving her hands in her pockets. _(She tells herself it is __**not **__because she needs to keep herself refrained from reaching out to him and kissing him, but instead, because it's a cold night)_

"Chilly night?" she nods towards his choice of clothing and he smiles.

"The pirate costume wasn't too comfortable to move around in," he responds.

He's standing opposite her now, both of them standing under the light, surrounded by the dimness of the isolated streets. She makes a motion to keep moving and he obliges, walking closely beside her.

"How are you not as drunk as David is?" she can't help but ask, and his chuckle is infectious.

"For some reason, I've always been able to hold my liquor."

"_Pirate_," she laughs under her breath – unfortunately just loud enough for him to catch it.

"Pirate?" he repeats and she curses herself.

"You know," she covers, "your whole pirate outfit thing?" She manages to play the whole thing off as though she's embarrassed he didn't get the joke, and luckily enough, he buys it.

He laughs softly, "Sorry, Swan. Maybe the rum _is_ getting to my head."

They reach the door of the inn, and being the gentleman he is, he holds it open for her, jokingly bows and gestures his hand as if to say _'ladies first'_. She smiles as she walks past him and when she enters, she waits until she hears the door close and feels him beside her until she begins to move their rooms.

They say their goodnights and walk their separate ways – him into his room, and she in the direction of hers.  
She doesn't see _him _that night, but it doesn't stop her from thinking of him.

* * *

"_So_, have you slept with him yet?"

Emma nearly spits out her hot chocolate when Ruby springs that on her as she slides in the opposite side of the booth.

"_What_?"

"Oh you know," her grin is wide, "his new clothes make him ten times hotter."

_Of course_ she's referring to Killian. Emma would be lying if she disagreed with Ruby, when she knew how _good_ he looks in his new attire.

"_God_, Ruby," she rolls her eyes, but a smile remains on her face.

"Don't tell me you don't want any of that!"

"I _don't_," she tries defending herself, but she knows Ruby can see _right_ through it.

"Come on," she urges, "_I _want some of that."

She knows she's obviously kidding, but Emma can't stop the sudden jealousy that sparks within her. Trying to not to let it show, Emma rolls her eyes again.

"I don't," she repeats more firmly now. The brunette looks like she's about to say something, but Emma beats her to it. "Don't you have to work?" she uses as an excuse to get out of the conversation.

Ruby sighs before reluctantly moves to get out of the booth. She throws Emma one last _'this conversation isn't over'_ look, and Emma smiles sweetly back.

Once she's gone, she resumes her aimless staring at the opposite seat as she drinks her hot chocolate. She's completely lost in her own world that she doesn't realize the presence of the body sliding in next to her until she feels something bump against her shoulder, effectively pulling her out of her trance.

"How about it, huh, Swan?"

"W-What?" she leans on the wall of the booth, turning towards him.

"I said, that drink, you promised me – how about it?" he's nervous – she can tell because he scratches that spot behind his ear. He tries to hide behind his brave façade, but she sees right through it, and he's _adorable_.

He's wearing a plaid shirt today, red and blue checkers, and she decides that red suits him as much as it does her. She glances down, and notices that he's donning a more casual look as he's traded in the khakis for a dark pair of jeans.

"I-" It takes her awhile to conjure an answer. She is torn in between accepting his offer _(because he really does look good in these clothes)_ or rejecting him like she would if this was _Killian_. She feels as though she's betraying _him_ by going out with _this_ version of him. "_Yeah_, sure – when?" she caves, unable to deny those bright cerulean eyes and she _hates _herself for being so weak.

His face completely brightens, and she loves how his eyes absorb that light as they shine. "Tonight?" he suggests, looking hopeful, and she nods. "Alright, lass. I'll meet you outside the diner at six-thirty?"

She nods again, and just as she swears his grin couldn't grow any wider, it does. He leaves the booth and makes an exit of the diner with a spring in his step.

She shakes her head, but can't help the smile that threatens her lips, and she's sure that if someone were to look at her now, they'd think she was insane.

She leaves the booth minutes later, and it is when she is nearing the door when she hears Ruby yell.

"I totally heard that whole conversation, by the way!"

She tries to put on an annoyed face, but she is unable to hide her smile and her reddened cheeks. Instead, she rushes out of the diner; the last thing she sees before exiting the restaurant is Ruby's large wolfish grin.

* * *

She finds her father looking like absolute _shit_ when she reaches the station after making a pit stop at the bakery. One arm is on his desk, his head resting on it, while the other is hanging off the table She drops the bag of pastries onto his desk and places the to-go cup of coffee next to it.

"Thought you might need this," she mentions as she continues her regular routine of shrugging off her jacket and slumping down onto the chair.

He lifts his head off his arm groggily and mutters a slurred _'thank you'_ before reaching for the coffee and sitting as upright as he can.

"You look like crap."

"_Thanks_," he repeats and Emma laughs. "Please tell me Killian is suffering from a hangover as well?" he asks hopefully.

Emma shakes her head and David sighs, "He looks like he ran a marathon."

"Damn that pirate."

"How much did you drink last night?"

"_Too_ much."

"And how was boys' night?"

He musters a smirk. "Good, good. He needs his memories back soon, you know – I almost slipped but I was drunk so I don't think he thought much of it."

"Regina's trying," she says and she feels angry that that's the only thing she has.

He nods quietly before reaching for the paper bag of pastries and grabbing a croissant before offering the other one to her.

"Thanks," she said, as she reached up and accepted the bag.

"He and Henry seem to be bonding well," he mentions.

"Yeah, he's good with him," Emma smiles fondly, but tries to hide it. Unfortunately, David catches it and he smirks.

"Henry's good with Killian, or is Killian good with Henry?"

"Henry's- _Henry."_

"Emma?"

_Why_ hasn't she thought of it sooner? They had gotten Henry's memories back by giving him his storybook, now all they'd need for Killian to regain his would be something of similar value.

"Henry's memories were triggered by the book, right?" she asks rhetorically. "So, why don't we just get Killian to something he loves _just as much_ – like the _Jolly Roger_!" she exclaims slamming her hand flat on the table. She stands up and puts on her leather jacket, a triumphant smile on her face. She makes a move to the door of the station, but her father stops her, placing a hand on her arm.

"_Emma_," he urges. "The _Jolly Roger _hasn't been in Storybrooke since the last curse."

"_What_?"

Only then does she notice the large pirate ship's recent absence. _Why hadn't he said anything about it?_

"Where is it?"

"I don't have a clue," he shrugs as he lets go of her arm.

"I-I'll be right back."

"_Wait!"_ She turns around halfway to the door with an impatient look on her face. "Are you coming to dinner tonight?" he asks.

_"__Yeah!"_

And then she's off.

* * *

She goes to the docks first, just to prove to herself that it really isn't there, and it isn't. Didn't all their belongings come along with them after the curse? She should've noticed it.

"Miss?" she hears someone ask.

When she turns around, it's Smee – Hook's first mate.

"Smee, was it?" she asks, and he nods. It looks as if he's about to bow, but thinks better of it.

"H-How is my Captain?"

"I promise you," she says confidently, "I'll get him back – no matter what it takes."

He looks grateful. He began to turn away, but changed his mind as he turned back. "You're the one he couldn't get over, aren't you?"

"I- what do you mean?"

"Back in the Enchanted Forest – he wasn't like himself. There was something _off_. 'Said it was because he didn't have the _Jolly_ with him, but even _when_ we got her back, he wasn't the same."

_'__I spent the last year trying to do just that – return to the person I used to be and it didn't work'_

The words he spoke to her from this very spot from what felt like weeks ago suddenly made sense to her.

"_The Jolly Roger_, what happened to it-_her_," she corrects herself when Smee's expressions change to look aghast.

The short man shook his head, as if unwilling to live that memory again, but still spoke. "We were sailing to Tortuga, when a bird landed on the helm. The Captain looked like he'd seen a ghost. When we reached Tortuga, we docked that night. He was odd – told me that I've served him and the _Jolly _well. That was the last I saw of her."

She hated herself at that moment. Not only had she told him that she didn't trust him, but she believed her parents when they accused him of lying about the letter.

"Do you know what happened to her after that?"

"Rumors, milady – completely ridiculous, they are," he insists and Emma urges him to continue. "They say the Captain gave her up in return for a magic bean to reach this land. Absolutely absurd," he shakes his head.

"_Yeah._ Absolutely absurd," she repeats below a whisper.

She stares at the vacant spot where the ship _should _be and she feels an ache in her heart _for _him. She tells herself that the story is simply a rumor, but she wouldn't be surprised if it was the truth. He _loved _that ship – she saw it first hand. The whole trip to and from Neverland, she saw how he cherished it. If in fact he did do what the rumors suggest, he gave up her home for her. _No one _has ever made her such a priority that like he has. Still, she prays the story is false. Emma isn't sure if she can live with the responsibility of being the reason behind the lost of his home – the _exact _thing she had been saying she'd leave the town _and him_ for.

When she shakes herself out of her thoughts, she finds she is alone. It's getting darker and she has to pick Henry up from Gold's (who has recently decided through the lost of his son that he wants to spend some time with his grandson) shop.

* * *

She reaches the store no more than five minutes later, and she waits outside as Henry and Gold emerge from it.

"You didn't get yourself into any trouble, I hope?" Emma asks, her arms folded across her chest as she lies back on the yellow bug.

"Nope," her son smiles brightly at her before looking up at his grandfather. Gold's arm is placed around his shoulders and she feels _so glad._

She grew up with no one, and seeing as nothing could be done to prevent that, she's at least happy her son is surrounded by a large _(too large, sometimes) _family whom all love him. She knows his family tree isn't perfect – what with one of his mothers also being his step grandmother – but it's _works_. Emma sees how he misses Neal – how he misses something he could only hold onto for such a short while and maybe that's why she's so glad he bonds well with Killian. She thinks that if _maybe_ something were to happen between her and Killian, he'd be okay with it – not that she's saying she _wants _something to happen between her and Killian. _No_, that's absurd.

"Congratulations on your marriage, Gold," Emma mentions and he smiles – _sincerely._

"I'll be sure to tell Belle," he replies as he ruffles Henry's hair. "You can come any time you want, Henry," Gold says and the boy grins widely.

"Thanks Grandpa," Henry hugs him, and for a second, Gold looks taken aback, but he recovers quickly and returns the hug. When Henry pulls himself out of the embrace, he walks over to the car, Emma already at the driver's side.

Gold gives her a polite nod as both her and her son slide into the seats. Henry waves enthusiastically at him as they drive off.

The car ride is quiet, the low static sounds from the radio the only thing heard. She takes a left at the end of the street and then a right. They're nearing Granny's but David and Snow's loft isn't until a few more turnings.

As they past the diner, she can see through her peripheral vision that Henry is staring out the window.

"Hey, that's Killian," Henry mentions and _shit_.

_Killian._

Before she can think properly, she slams the brakes, but her maternal instincts make sure she shoots her arms out protectively in front of Henry to cushion any possible damage _(thank God he's good enough to wear his seat belt)_.

"Sorry, kid," she apologizes as she checks to see if he's okay. "I just forgot something."

She opens the door and jogs across the street towards Granny's. She sees now the male figure is beginning to reenter the dinner. She glances at her watch and _shit_, it's a half past seven. He probably thought she was blowing him off.

"_Killian!_" she's panting by the time she reaches the sidewalk _(she really needs to go to the gym)_ and he turns at the call of his name.

Her body is bent like she had just run a mile, her hands placed on her knees.

"Emma?" he asks, walking over to her.

"Hey," she straightens out, "I am _so, so sorry_," she says. "I swear I wasn't standing you up. It just kind of slipped my mind, and I had to go pick Henry up, and before I know it it's seven-thirty-," she rambles but he stops her.

"Don't worry lass, I was only waiting for five minutes," he assures, but she doesn't buy it. She raises an eyebrow in question, and he laughs. "Alright, I may have been waiting since six," he scratches the back of his ear. She would smile at his sweetness if she hadn't just made the guy wait outside a diner for an hour and a half.

"Oh God, I'm sorry."

"It's alright, love," he smiles. "We could always grab something now?" he offers.

"I- I accidentally made plans for dinner at David's place," she says and his smile falters. It's back a second later as if he doesn't want her to feel guilty and _he's so sweet_. "Do you- Do you want to join us?" she offers.

"I don't want to impo-"

"You won't be. _Please_," she says, adding the hook, line and sinker, "Henry would really like you to come."

His fake smile from before turns into a smirk, "_Just_ Henry?" he asks as he takes a step closer to her.

_(It reminds her of that day at the docks, but she doesn't like remembering the part where she turns him down, again)_

"I'm sure David wouldn't mind seeing you," she counters, a small smile splaying across her lips but adds, "I'd like for you to come too."

His smile is infectious and she's sure she's grinning like an idiot now.

"As you wish, Swan."

She feels her heart stutter at the familiarity of his words.

"C'mon," she nods her head to the car and they walk in a comfortable silence.

When they reach the car, Henry is already seated in the back, a knowing smile on his face.

"Hey, buddy," Killian greets as he slides into the passenger seat while Emma closes the driver's side door.

"Hey, Killian," Henry responds cheerfully. "Joining us for dinner?"

"Aye – I hope you don't mind."

"Of course not!"

Henry and Killian talk for the rest of the short ride. She feels him glance at her from time to time, but she continues looking out at the road.

They're at the David and Snow's door a few minutes later. Their faces don't even seem remotely surprised that Killian is there with them.

"Come on in," David invites them in, patting Killian on the shoulder as he passes.

Her mother on the other hand, smiles knowingly at Emma but she mouths a firm _'no'_ to Snow.

"I don't think we've been properly acquainted – Killian Jones," he offers his hand to Snow.

"Mary Margaret," she introduces, "It's a pleasure."

Emma knows her mother never really favored Killian. She can see the effort it takes for her to smile genuinely at him, but then again, this isn't _really_ Killian. This is _modernly cursed_ Killian Jones.

Another plate is added to the table as they all sit down to accommodate the new guest. They talk casually during the whole course of the meal, only two-almost magic related slips, and Emma sees it as a victory. By the end of the meal, Henry excuses himself before falling onto the couch and turning on the television.

After Killian offers to bring the dishes to the kitchen – an offer which Snow refuses at first, until Killian 'insists' – the baby starts crying. David leaps up from his chair and telling Snow he has it handled before he's off to the nursery room.

By the time David returns, baby in is arms, Killian is back at the table. _(It's nice to see how domestic everything __**could **__be) _

"What's the little lad's name?" he asks, when David seats himself back down as he rocks the baby softly while feeding him a bottle.

"_Yeah_ – you still haven't told me," Emma agrees.

Snow and David exchange looks before her mother speaks.

"We've finally decided on a name," she smiles, and Emma gives her a _'well?' _look. "I'd like to introduce you to William Neal Nolan."

"We're going to call him Liam for short," David adds.

"I love it," Emma smiles fondly at her little brother as she leans over the table to play with him.

They're all cooing at Liam when Killian speaks.

"_Liam_," he repeats softly.

And suddenly she remembers that the boy is in fact named after Killian's brother. The three of them look at him expectantly. They're all hoping the name triggered _something_ in him that got him to miraculously remember.

But it doesn't.

"It's a lovely name," he smiles.

They leave half an hour later, David and Killian deciding to join Henry at the couch, while Emma and Snow clean the dishes. (Killian does offer to do the dishes, but the two ladies insist that's too much for a guest to do.)

When they reach the inn a while later, Henry rushes off to the room, leaving the two of them alone, _again_.

"I'm sorry for not showing again," she apologizes as they walk to the rooms.

"Really, Swan – it's no problem."

They're quiet for a moment before he speaks again.

"And thank you for inviting me to your dinner."

"It was really my pleasure," she smiles.

They reach his door and she says her goodbyes. She's walked two steps away from him when he pulls her back by grabbing onto her hand. For a moment, she thinks he's going to kiss her. (She'd be lying if she said she _wasn't _staring at his lips) But she vaguely feels him lifting her hand to his lips before placing a soft kiss against the back of it.

"Goodnight, Swan," he whispers, and he closes the door of his room.

_Damn him to hell_.

When she gets to her room, she's determined to find something in the box of his things Ruby transferred from his room to hers that could help regain his memory back. She can't live with the guilt if she fell for this version of him instead of the real him. _(Who is she kidding - she fell for him long ago)_ There aren't many things in the box as she assumes he could only transport so many things after the loss of his ship.

There is brown a satchel, inside she finds some golden colored device (she assumes id used for navigating). In the satchel, she also finds a military insignia; the name _'Jones'_ inscribed on it in golden letters – Emma puts this aside. There are journals, maps, and folded pieces of papers.

She grabs the oldest looking journals first. When she opens the first page, '_Killian Jones'_ is written in cursive in black ink. The writing is so eloquent she's sure it's nicer than her own. Below the name, _'Lieutenant's Log' _is written in smaller font. Emma skims through it, but the writing stops halfway through the journal.

She checks the next tethered looking journal; this time on the first page, the word _'Captain' _replaces _'Lieutenant'._

_It's private_, she tells herself. If he wants to tell her the tales of him when he was the man driven by revenge, he will. She has to respect that.

She picks up the last journal. When she opens it, it dives into the tale of _their_ Neverland adventure.

He writes how he loathes the island, and Pan even more. She sees how it was a struggle for him to come back to the island that ruined him with one of the many people _who_ ruined him as an honored guest.

He mentions her sometimes, and though it starts off with annoyance, he quickly changes his thoughts of her to admiration.

_Day 1 Hour 2210 _

_It was a one-time thing. That's what she said. I have to respect her wishes, especially now that Baelfire is alive. _

She remembers the kiss vividly. She remembers how it took exactly one second for him to respond to the kiss after being momentarily shocked. She also remembers how _wrecked _he looked afterwards.

She doesn't like to remember how she walked away.

She reads how it had pained him to see her and Neal back together _(or what he thought was back together)_, she reads how he tells Neal that he'd back off for Henry's sake, and she reads how he felt as though he wouldn't be able to survive with her gone. She gets a peak into his life that year she was away – how he had immediately abandoned the group in search of his ship and his crew and how he tries becoming the pirate he once was.

Turns out, the rumor was true. He gave up his ship for her. She doesn't feel any better now that she knows. Some part deep inside her wishes the ship got stolen away from him, but she knows he's to good of a Captain for that to ever happen.

She reaches the part where he attempts to kiss her in New York and how it fails, _miserably_. He writes how he knew deep inside that Baelfire was her True Love, and how he would never want to admit it. It doesn't stop him from trying to get her back though.

Since then, the pages are empty, as if since the moment he got her back, he didn't need to write these things down.

She misses him more than ever now.

All that's left in the box are the maps and the pieces of paper, as well as a dark piece of cloth and some golden jewelry that must have been important enough for him to salvage.

They're hand drawn, she notices when she examines the maps – probably by him. They're beautiful and well detailed. She assumes 300 years in Neverland wasn't all spent swashbuckling around the island.

Emma finds four pieces of paper left in the box. They're drawings. The first one is of a woman, with long curls and she's _beautiful._ She guesses it's Milah. The paper is old and yellowing, but the pencil markings remain dark. The second one is of a man. His hair is curly and he is wearing a uniform of some sort. She recognizes his features in Killian and assumes it's Liam he's drawn. The next one is drawn on newer paper, and she instantly smiles at the sight of it. _Henry_.

The last one isn't complete. He's just drawn the eyes and nothing else. She's about to fold the papers back when she does a double take. She's seen those eyes.

_They're her eyes_.

The shape is exactly the same. God knows how he managed to procure the exact shade of green as her eyes, but he has.

He spends so much time simply staring her in the eyes, she's sure that's how he knows.

Emma promises herself and him that night that she will find a way to break this curse, one way or the other. She puts everything away, everything but the drawing of her eyes. She crawls into bed and places the paper on her nightstand.

Emma doesn't see him that night, though she does dream of him. They're smiling in the dream, and Henry comes in with a little girl with black hair and green eyes holding onto his finger. Killian lifts her off the floor and he places the young girl on his shoulders. Emma is smiling as she slings her arm around her son.

They're happy.

She doesn't remember the dream at all when she wakes up the next day.

* * *

**A/N: Sorry again for the change of tense! Anyway, thank you for all the reviews, I really do appreciate them. Reviews are always accepted :)**


	4. The Good and The Bad

When she sees him the next day at noon, he looks _bad_. It's not obvious, but he just looks _bad._ Maybe it's the lack of guyliner he wears that accentuates the dark circles under his eyes, or maybe she just never paid enough attention to actually notice them. She's unsure which _maybe_ she prefers. Either way, he looks terrible, and she doesn't know why.

He waves at her from a far that day, but doesn't come closer to strike up a conversation, which is very unlike both versions of him. She's not used to the distance, but she doesn't do anything about it. When Henry asks her why she's looking so confused that night, she says she's just frustrated with breaking Killian's curse. She isn't technically lying, so the weight of the guilt she would usually feel isn't as heavy.

She has half a mind to go over to his room and ask him what's wrong. She almost does, but Henry makes her have a movie night. Emma doesn't even know what movie they're watching, she's simply staring blankly at the moving pictures on the screen, with soft sounds her brain registers as white noise. She racks her brain for what could have happened between last night's dinner and this morning, and _nothing_. Hopefully, it really is nothing – it's just her jumping to conclusions too quickly, since after all, it's only been a day. Somewhere towards the end of the movie, she asks her son if he spent time with him today, and he replies with a distracted shake of the head. If it _is _her fault, it makes no sense for Killian to not spend time with Henry though. _It has to be something bigger._

By the end of the film, Henry turns the TV off before kissing her on the cheek to say goodnight. Emma smiles and pulls him in for a hug. She's confused and she just needs to hold onto something permanent so she hugs him much tighter and much longer than usual. If he notices, he does nothing but gives her a sweet smile, before he heads off to his room.

She goes to her room a few minutes later, but it isn't until an hour later that she is finally able to fall asleep.

* * *

She just on her way to the station the next morning when she sees him jog her way. He's wearing black track pants, and a dark dri-fit Nike shirt that's doing wonders to his chest and abdominal areas while his right hand holds onto a bottle of water. His left arm is bare. She didn't even know the small town of Storybrooke sold Nike products, but she thanks it anyway. He's dripping with sweat, making his usual well-styled hair stick to his forehead, but he _still_ looks attractive.

He's walking now, probably beginning to cool down after his jog and she in turn walks towards him. They meet each other halfway and when he smiles brightly at her, all her confusion from the night before vanishes.

"Good jog?"

He nods.

"Off to work?"

She nods.

And then just like that, the confusion is back. Since when had it been so awkward for her to just talk to him? Usually, conversation just flowed. She makes it more uncomfortable by shuffling her feet and looking at the ground.

"Well," when he speaks, she looks up slowly, from bottom to top, and she pauses when she sees the word spelling _Milah_ tattooed to his forearm. When she does meet his eyes, he looks uncomfortable, and she notices how he pulls his arm back to hide it from her. She then realizes that he probably thinks she's staring at his stump. She's about to reassure him that she's not, but he cuts her to the chase. "I best shower now, Swan," he scratches the back of his neck.

She tries to say something to tell him his scars don't bother her, but before she can, he nods with a brief smile before darting off to leave her standing there alone.

She turns to look at his retreating figure but he doesn't look back. Emma watches him enter the diner without so much as a glance in her direction and she swears she feels her heart break a little.

She thinks maybe this is what it felt like for him all those countless times _she's _turned her back on him, except when she does it, it's much worse. She's rejected him and his tries to comfort her far too many times. How he hasn't given up on her is still a mystery.

She knows David can tell something is off, but he doesn't ask, and she's thankful for it.

"What're you going to do _after_ you break the curse?" he asks confidently, as if breaking the curse is a sure thing.

"What do you mean?"

He shakes his head and gives her a short smile, saying 'never mind' wordlessly. She leans against his desk next to him and nudges him to go on.

"I just mean," he begins, then hesitates, "You said you wanted to leave after the whole Zelena thing and go back to New York." It's all he says and she knows what he means on asking.

_Are you still planning on leaving?_

And the truth is, she doesn't know. She's still unsure if she really belongs in Storybrooke, and is determined to find out, and the only way she'll be sure of it is if she runs. This time however, running would leave more collateral damage than before. Before, she didn't have anyone who'd miss her, anyone who'd actually be affected by her leaving. Before, life went on after she ran. _Now,_ she has people to think of. She has David, she has Snow and even her baby brother. She hates thinking that Liam would have to grow up with an absent sister. She has to think about both Regina and Gold, because as much as she's had a past with both people, they all love Henry. _Then _she has Henry to think of. She can't leave without him, nor can she take him away from all the people that care about him.

She has Killian.

Emma gives a brittle laugh, and David stares, "Neal- he told me something on the first day I met him," she begins, and now she has her father's full attention. "He said you don't really have a home until _you just miss it_. And I haven't _missed_ anything like that yet. I'm going to keep running until I do."

She thinks he's going to argue with her; that he's going to tell her that this _is _her home and she doesn't need to run to be sure of it. But he doesn't. Unlike her mother, David _understands_. It's not her mother's fault, but she's always felt like she could turn to her father for anything and he'd get it. It used to be Snow whom she could ask for help from. That, however, was before Snow was _Snow_. It was still when she was Mary Margaret. But ever since the curse broke, she feels as though she's lost her friend. She feels that she tries too hard to be her mother, that she's lost sight of what Emma really needs. Her father- he just _understands. _

"Okay."

"Okay?" she asks unsurely, and he gives her a _'what do you expect me to say' _look. "You're not going to argue with me? You're not going to tell me that I'm making the wrong decision? You're not going to tell me that I'm being selfish?"

He shrugs. _He shrugs_ and Emma is beginning to get angry. "I'm confident you'll come _home_," he punctuates the word. "I say you should do what you have to to be sure. But I know you'll come back."

"_Dad_," the name slips out before she can think about it, and she sees how David's face softens completely. She's about to correct herself, but she couldn't spoil the moment for him. "I don't want you to have any _hopes _or anything. I might disappoint you."

"You'll never disappoint me." He puts his arm around her and pulls her toward him.

It's times like these where she doesn't care that they weren't there to raise her. She just wishes she had more of these little moments with her parents where she can just _talk_.

"Don't tell mom about why I want to leave," she tells him and he nods.

"Can I tell her you called us mom and dad?"

When she turns to look at him, he's smiling proudly and she can't help but laugh.

"Of course."

* * *

She sees him sitting with his back towards her in one of the booths of the diner as she walks towards the door of Granny's. He seems so focused on whatever he's doing that he doesn't react to the jingling of the door opening. As she gets closer, she sees that he's not doing anything after all, simply staring at his mug of what looks like coffee on the table.

He doesn't notice her presence even when she's standing by the head of the table. It's only when she clears her throat that he looks up to her with his eyes of light blue.

He's about to stand up as if out of respect, but she stops him by sliding into the seats opposite of him. Something's on his mind – she can tell, but she can't seem to read him. He's acting exactly like how he did when he had the whole _Zelena cursed my lips _fiasco going on. (She cringes at the thought of that whole thing and at how badly she handled it, but it's in the past. Nothing can be done to change it.)

"Are you alright?" she goes straight out and asks.

He looks hesitant, like he's about to deny it or find a cover up, but he doesn't. "I don't know, really."

"What's wrong?" Emma's reluctant, but she feels the only way of him telling her what he's thinking of is if she reaches out to him. And she does. Physically. She extends her hand to stroke his hand that's wrapped tightly around his cup of coffee, and she feels him relax. _Good_.

"I don't know," he repeats, and he looks so lost. His eyes are sad and his face is tired. She doesn't know how to deal with this. "Nothing seems _right_. Everyone seems so familiar but I don't know anyone. Everyone's so _nice_ but it feels _off_. Everything's wrong, Swan," he says distressed, pulling his hand away and running it through his hair. "Everything but you."

"What?"

"I know it has to sound crazy, but I feel like you're the only real thing here. I don't know what's happening, lass, but I feel like you're the only _real _thing here," he stares into her eyes, and _it's too much._

She vaguely registers that the sudden warmth on her hand happens to be him reaching out to her, but she instinctively pulls away. She sees the hurt in his eyes – the same one she's seen all too many times (It's the same one she saw when she told him she couldn't trust him).

_It's too much. It's too much. It's too much_. And yet, it's nowhere near enough.

She blurts the first thing that comes into her mind and she's beating herself over it the moment she speaks the words.

"Who's Milah?"

He looks confused and slightly pained from her indirect rejection, but he shakes it off.

"Your tattoo," she explains, hoping that it would justify why she was staring at his left arm this morning. "I noticed it earlier."

She sees him looking some sort of relieved, and he smiles, not at all seeming fazed by her ignorance of his confession. "Truthfully, I don't know," he says lightly as he shrugs. "Embarrassingly enough, I think it happened after a drunken one night stand," he laughs.

There is a sudden anger that boils within her. Zelena made him not remember his true love. The hatred she felt for the witch from before multiples tenfold. She _hates _her. It's bad enough he doesn't remember his own brother, but now he's completely forgotten the woman he's tried to avenge for over three centuries.

"I wish I remembered her," he mentions and her heart pauses. "She must have been one hell of a lass if my drunken self would tattoo her name onto my body."

"I'm sure she was."

They're both quiet after that, just sitting in the silence. She feels him stare at her expectantly, but he says nothing. Her eyes are glued to her hands, fingers fiddling with one another distractedly.

When she makes a move to stand up, he follows. He looks vaguely confused and in all honesty, she doesn't know what she's doing either.

"I just remembered I forgot to do something." She's not technically lying, but she isn't really telling the truth either. She can tell he's disappointed, but he nods his head understandingly nonetheless. "I'll see you around," she says and it sounds like a promise.

"Right," is all he gets to say before she's out of the diner.

She doesn't realize where she's driving to until she reaches the place. She's at Regina's house and one part of her just really wants to slap Zelena for the _shit_ memories she's given Killian. She rings the doorbell impatiently, and after five seconds of no one opening the door, she furiously knocks onto the white wood until she hears footsteps approaching.

When the door opens, she is met with a furious Regina – a furious Regina who is wearing nothing but a silk sheet wrapped around her

"_What?"_ she snaps and Emma is momentarily stunned because this is _not _what she expected.

The anger she feels outweighs the shock of catching Regina during (post? pre?) sex and she makes a beeline past her. She hears Regina slam the door roughly followed by the quickened paces as she trails behind her.

"Do you mind telling me why you're here?"

"I need to talk to your sister."

She doesn't exactly know where she was going but she storms through Regina's house and pulls open every closed door.

"_Miss Swan_," Regina pulls her arm to make her face her. "You _can't_."

"And why not?"

Regina lets go of her arm to adjust the sheet covering her body, "Gold sent her back to Oz."

"_What?_" _Now_, she's way past furious.

"He was about to _kill_ her," she reasoned.

"You should have told me! I _need _to get him back."

Regina looks like she's about to argue more, but the desperation in Emma's voice makes her think better of it. "I understand, and now both Gold and I are trying to make a memory potion for your boyfriend."

She doesn't have time for this. She storms right past her and lets herself out, slamming the door shut behind her. She knows it's not Regina's fault, but Gold's not there for her to take her anger out on. Then again, Emma had no idea what the witch had put Gold through, so shipping her off to the next land was considerably much better than killing her.

Either way though, she didn't get to give Zelena what she deserved. She feels like she's failed him.

She _has_ failed him.

* * *

The drive back to Granny's is short, but she decides to make a pit stop by the docks. She sits on the bench and it's dark and cold, and she's alone. The cool breeze helps clear her mind, but the sight of the ocean makes her heart ache. It reminds her of him and everything he gave up for _her_. He'd willingly given up his _home_ for her, even when she'd countlessly turned her back to him. She doesn't know how or why he's relentless in chasing her. After all, she hasn't shown him a sign that she actually _cared _for him.

She thinks about the moments at the town line right before they were to be separated by yet another curse. The memories seem fresh in her head, almost like it had just happened, while she knows that for him, it was an aching year ago. She remembers how she could _feel _his eyes on her as she bid her farewells to her loved ones and how she _tried _to walk away from him. Then, she thought it would be easier. She didn't want to- she _couldn't_ say goodbye – not to him. She didn't think she could take the emotion in his eyes, as much as she'd forget it all just minutes after. But yet, when she heard the familiar sound of his heels on the concrete road, she turned around to face him.

She didn't know what she saw in his eyes when she looked at him – whether it was sadness, pain, anger or something scarier than that _(like love)_ – but when he spoke, she couldn't help the pained smile that appeared upon her lips.

_'__That's quite the vessel you captain there, Swan.'_

He joked with her, despite the situation, and she _smiled._

_'__There's not a day that'll go by I wont think of you,'_ she remembers him promise and even now, her heart skips a few dozen beats because she knew- she _knows _it's true.

_Good_.

It was all she'd said back, but that was all he needed for his face to light up with absolute hope and happiness.

_Good_.

All it took was that one word, and he's willingly give up his ship for the slightest chance to see her.

She wishes she could talk to someone about this. Snow wouldn't understand, while David would understand _too much_. She had no one else she could turn to. If _Killian _were here, maybe she could talk to him, just to get _some _things clear.

And so he's here.

"I find her rather soothing at times," the accented voice says as she feels (or thinks she feels) a leather clad body settle next to her on the bench.

"It's nice."

"What's on your mind?"

What _isn't _on her mind? She feels herself about to break, but resists the urge to crumble.

"_You_," she says truthfully. This isn't really him, so she can pour her heart out without consequence. "I miss _you_. I want _you_. _Where are you_?"  
"I'm confident you'll get me back."

He reaches out for her hand and intertwines them together. She feels him stroke the back of her hand with his thumb reassuringly, _but it isn't real_. It feels so right, but it's all wrong. Reluctantly, she pulls her hand away from his.

"_How_?"

"I wish I could tell you."

"Tell me."

"I'm afraid I can't," she hears him sigh. She knows if she looks at him, it'll hurt more, so she continues staring at the dark blue sea.

"_Then why are you here?_" she snaps as she stands up, but when she turns to face him, he's gone.

She leaves quickly after, for all she really wants to do is crawl into a bed and sleep.

When she comes back to an empty room, she remembers that Henry's sleeping over at his grandparents' place, and again she's reminded how alone she is. She thinks about _everything _that night and she swears she isn't doing it on purpose. But she has to find a way to get him to remember.

It's only when she looks to her nightstand to check the time does she see the drawing she'd found of his. She doesn't know why that helps, but she falls right to sleep afterwards.

* * *

The next three days don't go too badly. She checks on Regina and Gold and the potion daily, and they say they're close but she doesn't know if they're just trying to sugarcoat things for her. She likes to think they're too cold of people to do so, so it's probably the truth and that makes her feel better.

The days go by drama-less. She only sees him a total of five times between the three days, and on only one of the instances do they actually carry on a conversation that lasts more than two minutes. She doesn't know what's change, only that _something's _changed. She's scared to ask, so she doesn't.

Henry still hangs out with Killian, and according to him, he seems normal. She's more confused than ever. A few days ago, he'd admitted to her that she was the only thing _real_ in his life, but now he's acting strangely around her. She tries not to think about it too much, so naturally, it becomes the thing she thinks about most. When he smiles in her direction, the smile doesn't reach his eyes and it doesn't make them sparkle. She misses that smile.

She also misses the lack of personal space she would have if it were _Killian_. She doesn't realize how much she longs for it until it's gone. She misses the sheer boldness herKillian shows, instead of the shy schoolboy behavior of _this _Killian (Though sometimes she _does_ find his shyness endearing). She can't get him out of her head, and sometimes, she feels like she doesn't want to.

She knows she loves him, but God forbid anyone hear her say the words.

* * *

She's patrolling when she Ruby texts her.

_I really think you should come to the diner._

_Now._

_It's Hook._

The moment her phone buzzes the last time, she driving off towards Granny's. Her mind races throughout the whole of the short drive. _What could Ruby be talking about?_ She's not usually one to stress out over little things, so it _had _to be important – especially now that she's mentioned that Killian's involved. Emma's mind immediately jumps to two things. One: that he's leaving; and two: that his memories have miraculously returned. She hopes it's the latter.

She hopes wrongly.

When she reaches the diner, Ruby points her in the direction of his room. She takes the stairs two at a time, because the look on Ruby's face was not good. She's scared what she might find when she reaches his room, but she needs to know. Had it been _Killian_, she wouldn't have bothered knocking, but she doesn't _know _this Killian, nor does he know her. So she waits patiently, after knocking loud on the wooden door. She hears his footsteps becoming clearer through the door. It takes exactly four seconds for him to open the door after he reaches it (she assumes he looks through the peephole to see who's there beforehand).

When he opens the door, he smiles, and it's the most genuine smile she's seen from him for the first time in a while.

"Swan."

The one word brings back so many memories. She's reminded of that morning, less than a month ago, where he shows up at _her _door, eyes full of glee and hope before he surges forward and kisses her. Just like their kiss in Neverland, she can still feel his lips on hers. And then she vividly remembers kneeing him in the groin and slamming the door on him.

"Hey," she smiles and he opens the door wider as an invitation for her to come in. She's reluctant, but in the end takes his offer and steps into the room. She hears the click of the door shutting, before he comes from behind her to stand in front of her.

"Sorry about the mess," he scratches the back of his ear as his other arm gestures to the surroundings. Her gaze follows the directions he's pointing in, and it's only then she notices the pulled out dresser drawers and the brown duffle back in the corner of the room.

"Going somewhere?" she says in a light tone.

His smile is somewhere between pained and sorry, and she doesn't want to guess why. She's scared of his answer but she's scared of the silence too, so she looks at him insistently.

"Yeah," he replies shortly as he runs his hand through his hair in an act of nervousness. "I'm going back to Portland."

_This _is bad.

* * *

**A/N: Thank you for the previous reviews, follows and favourites! I really do appreciate them! :)**


	5. Leaving

**A/N: Hello! Celebrating 100+ follows, I decided to update a little earlier. It's slightly shorter than the rest, but hey, an update's an update!**

**Also, I'm thinking one or two more chapters to this fic till it's over.**

* * *

"I'm going back to Portland."

"You're _leaving_?" She knows she can't sound so hurt, but the crack in her speech betrays her.

_No, no._ He can't leave. She hasn't _saved_ him yet. She's supposed to be the damned Savior, she's supposed to be able to save people.

She watches him shuffle on the spot, his eyes stuck on the ground as if he can't look her in the eyes and say it, and it's _so not him_. Killian was always able to stare her right in the eyes and tell her things, but it just reminds her how this is _not Killian_.

"Tonight?" she asks, her voice shaky, and she swears it's not tears that are welling up in her eyes.

Before he looks up, she manages to blink them away. "Yeah," he replies after a moment. "I just feel like I'm going crazy here, and it's nothing to do with your town," he adds quickly and she nods. "I don't even know who I am. I can't_ really _remember anything – I feel like my life's just a dream that I can barely remember." He constantly runs his hand through his hair throughout his dialogue. "I just really need to sort myself out," he explains.

She _needs _to stall. Gold and Regina said they were close to finishing the potion. She just needs _more time_. She feels it again – that crack from inside and she's _breaking_.

It's always been her biggest fear – him leaving. Ever since after Neverland, she'd been frightened that he might take off and leave, and although back then she was _really_ unsure of her feelings for him, she still couldn't imagine a life without him.

He's looking at her funny now, as if unsure what to say and she feels the same. She hasn't got a clue _how _to stall, only that she needs to.

"One day," she says and he furrows his brows in confusion. "Stay for one more day."

"I- I don't know," he stutters.

She needs to think of a reason for him to stay, and so it's the only thing that comes to her mind.

"Our date- drinks, whatever you want to call it."

"What?"

"You asked me out the day after you arrived here," she elaborates, as she tires to put on a smile, however faked it is, "I'm a woman of my word."

For some reason, she feels as though that would be something _Killian _would say (though more _man,_ less _woman_) and her smile is sincere for a few seconds just thinking of it.

He grins widely at her, as though just one date could differ him from leaving completely.

"Alright – _one_ day."

* * *

She's panicking now. She told him to give her a few hours to wrap things up at the station and he's willingly agreed. She tells Ruby on her way out to keep him occupied, but when she grins suggestively, Emma gives her a pointed stare, earning the brunette's arms up in a joking surrender.

She drives to Regina's house first. After what felt like five minutes of knocking (also known as precious time being wasted), the door is finally opened. She is not however, met by Regina; instead it's Robin who answers the door and when Emma impatiently asks where she is, he steers her in the direction of Gold's shop. She drums her fingers on the steering wheel throughout the whole drive, and while it is short, she _really_ can't waste any time.

There's no one in the immediate area as she enters the pawnshop, and Emma is _desperate_. It's only when she calls out their names the third time does anyone answer.

"In here," a male voice responds coming from the back room and she follows.

Regina's mixing some sort of blue concoction in what looks like a miniature cauldron while Gold's plucking a leaf off some dark colored plant. Emma's just so done that she doesn't even care that this looks like a scene from _Harry Potter_ in Potions class.

"Well?" She's aware she's being ungrateful to them when they could very well be doing better things (things like be with their _much_ better halves). Her arms are crossed over her chest and she's tapping her foot against the floor. She looks the perfect image of a spoiled brat, but she _doesn't care. _

"Patience, dear," Gold hums as he drops the leaf into one of the many strange looking beakers and the color of the liquid inside changes.

"How much longer will this take? We don't have much time."

"Well time is exactly what we need," Regina chimes in though not bothering to turn and face her as she speaks. "We're nearly there, but this part of the antidote takes _at least _three days to brew."

"We don't have three days!"

"Well my part of the potion seems done," Gold smiles, looking extremely pleased with himself as he lays back in his chair and props his legs up onto the table boastfully. Regina glares at him, and he looks at her like he's just won the lottery. Emma catches on with what's going on and she snaps.

"This is _not _the time to be acting like this is some sort of petty competition!" She sounds like an angry mother now, scolding her two children for bickering, but if it helps them get the point, then who's to care?

She can tell Regina's about to snap back with some sassy remark, but Gold beats her to it.

"We're sorry, _Princess_. Though I can't exactly see _why _we need _Hook _back – this version of him is clearly much better."

Emma shoots him a heated glare and he effectively shuts up. Regina's smirking in the corner as she continues stirring the odd colored liquid.

"Don't worry, Miss Swan. Your pirate will be back in no time," Regina tries, and Emma swears she hears a drop of sincerity in there. "Try bring him to his ship. Maybe it'll spark something in him," she suggests.

"No," Emma shakes her head. "She's not here, but I think I have something else I could try." Both Regina and Gold looks confused as to whom she's referring to, but she doesn't bother explaining.

She exits the store before they can ask, and she's in her car seconds later. Emma reaches Granny's after a short while, and when she sees Ruby sitting on the opposite side of Killian through the window, Emma quickly chooses to enter through the inn's main door. After fumbling with the keys, she finally managed to unlock the door. As she entered the room, Henry hopped off the bed at her arrival.

"Hey, kid – I thought you were spending the day with Roland and Robin?" Emma greets, shrugging off her leather jacket before diving down to Killian's box of things.

"Roland's out with the flu, so I came home," Henry says from behind her, his voice getting louder as he approached her. "What's that?"

"Killian's stuff."

"What're you looking for?"

"Anything that might trigger his memories," she mumbles as she continues searching. She feels Henry look over her shoulder to peek into the box. She can't seem to find the insignia with the name _Jones _inscribed onto it and she's getting panicked. "Have you seen his military insignia? It's leather."

"_Oh!_ I saw it lying around and it had his name on it, so I gave it back to him," Henry says, giving her an apologetic smile.

"And? What did he say?" she looks at him expectantly, hoping that _something_ might have happened.

Henry shrugs, "Nothing I guess. He looked at it for awhile, but he took it eventually."

Emma sighs. If this didn't work, she had no idea what else she could do. She pushed her hair away from her face and let out a deep breath, trying to calm herself.

"What about the _Jolly Roger_?"

"It's not here."

"Where is it?"

"_Not _here," she repeats, a tinge of annoyance this time.

"What happened to it?"

"It's… _gone_."

"Gone where?"

"_God, _I don't know!_ Somewhere!"_ she exclaims and the moment she catches the look on his face, she feel _horrible._ "I'm so sorry, kid," she apologizes, standing up and pulling him into her arms. "I just… _miss him_ you know?" she admits.

"He's a good guy," Henry says as he stares up at her with his big brown eyes that _so _remind her of Neal.

"Yeah, he is."

"Everything will go back to normal, mom."

"_Yeah_."

* * *

It's half past three when she texts him to pick her up at her room at five, and he replies almost immediately. She's racking her brain for ways to get his memories back that she doesn't notice how quickly the hour and a half goes by. It's only when she hears the knock on her door does she realize she's still not date-appropriately dressed.

"Hey!" she greets a little too enthusiastically when she opens the door to his smiling face.

"Evening, lass." His eyes are bright blue and they're sparkling and she really can't help but smile back. He's wearing a dark blue-buttoned shirt, his sleeves rolled up to the elbows, with black dress pants. He looks good, but since when does he not? It's his attire that reminds her that she's still not yet dressed properly in her black tank top and skinny jeans.

"Do you mind waiting inside first?" She nods into the room, "I'm still not ready," she gestures with her hand to her body.

"You look perfect, love," he says and it almost sounds genuine (- it probably is). She rolls her eyes trying to keep his gaze off the redness growing on her cheeks, but she doesn't think it works. She steps back to give him space to come in and he walks in, a gleeful smile on his face as he walks past her.

"Make yourself comfortable," she stuffs her hands in her pockets as she shrugs. _God, this is awkward_. Since when had it been so weird to have a guy in her room? _Right – _since the last time she had a guy in her room, which was god knows how many years ago. "I'm just going to get changed," Emma nods towards the bathroom door and he settles himself down on the couch.

She grabs the nicest thing she has in her luggage bag (which she hasn't yet unpacked) and she grimaces at how it's not much of an upgrade compared to what she's wearing now. She moves towards the bathroom, throwing him a brief smile before shutting the door behind her.

_Shit, shit, shit_. Who gave him the right to make her feel nervous for a date? It's technically a date to stall him, which she's done many times on several other occasions on her jobs as a bails bondsperson. But it's different this time. It's _him_. Well not _really_ him, but him nonetheless.

She smiles to herself at the thought of _him_, and she knows she looks like an idiot grinning to herself over a boy (man). _Snap out of it, Emma – it's just like one of your jobs, _she tries convincing herself, but when it doesn't work, she decides to splash cold water on her face.

It didn't work – but it did wake any sleeping cell in her body.

She's halfway through with pulling her tank top off when she hears him from the other side of the door.

"Emma?"

"Yeah, give me five minutes."

"_Emma_," his voice more insistent now.

"_Five minutes!"_ she calls back. When did he get so impatient?

"_Emma_," he repeats again, louder and clearer, and she's had enough.

She swings the door wide open, completely unaware that her tank top is still pulled up halfway, showing her stomach.

"_What?_" she snaps, but when she sees the look on her face, she immediately softens. "Killian?"

"Hook."

Hook? _Hook. _It takes awhile for Emma's brain to process what's happening but she finally gets it.

"Hook?"

She's overjoyed and she begins walking towards him when she noticed his hand curled into a fist. He's clutching onto something she can't really see, but has an idea of what it is.

"You went through my things." His voice is cold and hard, and it stops her in her tracks. Her smile falters and instead she furrows her eyebrows in confusion. He gets his memories back and the first thing that comes into his mind is to be mad at her for looking through his things.

"I had to see if there was something that would trigger your memories," she reasons, taking a careful step closer to him.

"You went through my things," he says again, not being fazed by her reason. "Did you read my journals?" he asks, staring straight into her eyes, and they're _not_ sparkling. They're hard and dark, and she's never seen this side of him.

"Yeah, but only because-"

"It's private, Emma!" he exclaims and this is _not _how she expected he would react to the recovery of his memories. (Truthfully, she didn't know what she expected. An awestruck expression? A hug? A kiss?)

"I was trying to hel-"

"You lied to me the whole week!"

"You would have thought I was crazy and you would have left-"

"I've _never _lied to you – even when you thought _I_ was mad," he counters, taking a step forward as he raises his voice. "Do you know how much it hurt? Watching the woman you _love_ not recognize you? For her to completely dismiss you _even more than usual?_" he snaps, and that one hurts.

She steps back, being unable to keep eye contact any longer so she stares to the ground. Somewhere deep inside of her, she knows he loved her, but hearing the words changes things – _especially _in this situation. She doesn't understand _why_ he's acting this way, and when she tries to read him… _nothing_.

"Killian," she tries calming him down, but it doesn't work.

"There's no one else here, it's _Hook_, remember?" he seethes and she's desperately trying to blink the tears away.

She doesn't recognize this man, and she's too taken aback to say anything, simply leaving her mouth partly opened as she looks up to him. She tries not to back down – she _wants _to fight for him.

"Kill-"

"_No_. I'm sorry," he says but his voice is still hard. She wants to ask what's wrong, but he didn't give her the chance. He turns away, moves towards the door, letting go of the crumpled paper in his hand in the process, and leaves the room without sparing her another look, slamming the door shut behind him.

She crumbles.

She collapses to the ground by the foot of her bed, leaning against the wooden frame of it. This was _not _how she was supposed to be feeling. She should be happy, relieved, _feeling something good_ once his memories returned – not this. Emma doesn't understand why he's acting this way, she doesn't get why he's making such a big deal of her not telling him the truth.

He's being unreasonable, she fights back, unwilling to let him make himself the victim. She knows what she's doing – how she's pushing him away _again_ over a small argument (except it's not very small).

She thinks of what he'd said during their fight, and she's scared just remembering how stone cold he was. She's never seen him like this – not even when he'd left her in that cell back in the Enchanted Forest. Even then, he looked the slightest bit remorseful.

She didn't realize how much it hurt to be shunned away by him, and boy did it hurt.

She's pulled her knees up to her chest, her hands clutching each other tightly while her head rests on the wood of the foot of the bed.

She tries and tries and _tries _to think of what could have been going through his head at that moment. Wasn't he _remotely_ happy to get his memories back?

She can't do this anymore.

"Swan, _wait_," he manages to catch her as she's walking towards the diner two hours later.

She keeps walking, ignoring his calls because she'd really rather not deal with him right now. It's only when he manages to grab her arm does she bite.

"_What?_" she snaps, and she notices how he flinches. (_Good, he better be scared)_

"Emma please, _I'm sorry _– I didn't mean anything I said earlier," he begs.

She stares right into his eyes. "You're lying."

Emma turns around and keeps walking. She hears his footsteps from behind her as he tries to catch up. "Please, love – I overreacted-"

"Don't _'love'_ me, _Hook_," she seethes; spitting the words out before she realizes what they could imply.

"I can't."

She pauses and faces him. His eyes are light blue this time, and the way he looks at her makes her feel like his words are genuine. She wants to believe him, she wants to trust him, but she _can't_.

She tries not to look at him, but his eyes are magnets attracting her to stare right back at them.

"_Don't_." She wills herself to walk away, but he keeps chasing her _(he's never stopped since the beanstalk)._

"Would you just look at me for more than five seconds before-" he breaks off as she opens the door to the diner and he notices half of the patrons staring at them oddly when he looks around. He's about to continue his sentence, but when he turns back to her, she's five steps ahead of him. "-before walking away!" he hisses.

She's aware that mostly everyone's attention is on them, including Ruby's who gives her a _'need any help?' _look but Emma assures her she's got it handled. He trails her all the way from the diner, up the stairs and right to her door. She's blatantly ignoring him now, but has first hand experience at just how persistent he is. When she opens her door, he tries to step in, but she places a firm hand against her chest _(she tries to ignore how she can feel his heart beating beneath her palm)_.

"_No_," she positions herself between the door and the doorframe, leaving no space for him to enter.

"Please just- hear me out?" he pleads. When she says nothing, he takes it as a hint to be able to go on. "I was angry and confused earlier. I was left with these mixed memories – Hook's and _this guy's_," he says it with disgust as he looks down at his clothing. "It's just- you've shown _him_ more _affection_ in less than a week than you've shown _me_, in the whole while I've known you."

He says it slowly and quietly, choosing his words correctly, and if she weren't so angry, she'd find it cute how he was jealous of himself. But she doesn't, because she knows that this is a sensitive subject for him. She feels her heart softening, as she drops her hand from holding onto the door, allowing for it to open wider.

"You know it's not like-"

"Where are you going?" he asks suddenly and she stares at him completely confused. It's only then when she notices he isn't looking back at her. When she follows his gaze, she finds that he's looking at two luggages lined next to each other, her hand bag perched on top of the larger one.

She instinctively tries to hide it from his sight by pulling the door closer to her, but he's stronger than she is, and he pushes past her easily. He looks around the room and she knows he notices the changes, notices how it's been cleaned up and everything's been packed away nicely.

"_Where_ are you going?" he repeats, his words more stern and firm.

He turns to her and she can see how it's more pain than it is anger etched onto his face.

"_Where, Emma?"_

"New York. I'm going back."

* * *

**A/N: Sorry for that kind of ending again. You guys will have to deal with the angst before the fluff, I guess. **

**Thank you again for all the reviews, follows and favourites! Do review if you have the time! :)**


	6. Chapter 6

**A/N: Some of you were saying how you didn't see Killian being angry coming, but you've got to understand that the last thing the ****_real _****him remembers of Emma was her pushing him away. Thank you though, for all your opinions! :)**

**I swear, the angst will soon stop.**

* * *

He closes the door shut behind him, leaving her to stare at the dark wood of a closed door. He doesn't have to slam it after him for her to know how furious he is. He walked away and it's her fault, it's her fault, _it's her fault_ – _everything _is her fault. She's rooted to her spot, seeming unable to move at all, as she continues staring at the vacant spot he was standing at. There's an aching in her heart as she replays the whole scene, over and over again.

_"__Why?" His voice manages to crack while speaking the one word, and she swears she hears her heart break along the single word. He sounds broken, and she's the one that's breaking him._

**_It's better than him doing the breaking_**_, she tries convincing herself to make herself feel better, but as he stands there, heart on his sleeve, completely wrecked, she doesn't even buy her own words. This is not __**better**__._

_"__You know why," her voice is small. She tries deflecting because __**she **__doesn't know the reason._

_"__No, I really can't begin to fathom why."_

_She shakes her head, refusing to answer him or even to look him in the eye when he takes a step forward, doing what the __**other **__Killian was frightened of doing by stepping into her personal space and forcing her to look up at him. "Henry's not sa-" she tries to say, but he begins to get angered._

_"__Don't give me that bollocks excuse. D__**on't**__lie, Emma – not to me, __**especially**__ not to me. You seem to forget that you're an open book to me."_

_"__If I'm such an __**open book**__," she spits the words back at him making him flinch, "then you tell me. __**Read**__ me."_

_He's taken aback slightly, and she can see it. But for as long as she's known him, he's never been one to back down from a fight. "You're running," he says simply, and now she flinches at the confidence in his voice. "You're running because you're scared of the future, scared that you might actually feel at home here. But it's never just that simple is it, Swan? You're scared because nothing good has ever happened to you from the very moment you stepped foot into this world. You're a bloody lost girl and now you're scared of being found. And you think you're undeserving of __**good**__, but, lass, if you don't deserve something good, then no one does."_

_"__And what? You think __**you're**__ the good that I deserve?"_

_"__Bloody hell, that's not my point!"_

_"__Then what is!"_

_They're in a battle to see who can possibly yell louder, and so far, no one's winning. For a moment, his mouth moves to say something, but pauses, and she thinks he may finally concede – but __**of course**__ he doesn't. He fights, and fights, and fights. And by now, she really doesn't know why he still bothers._

_"__My point is," he's calmer now, his tone low but clear, "I know what it feels to be lost. I was a lost boy for most of my childhood, then three hundred years after. And I too know what it feels like to have something good but thinking you're undeserving of it. It's how I feel for you, and I don't even have you." He says the last sentence slowly, and she hears the honesty in his voice. "And for fuck's sake, love, if you feel anything towards me, I'll stay – I'll stay fore- for until you tell me otherwise. Until that day comes, as painful as it will be, I shall leave – I promise you this much. I am at your disposal."_

_He was wearing his heart out on his sleeve, pouring out everything he felt for her at that moment, and though she knew he wasn't lying, somewhere inside of her really wanted him to. The honesty he bared on his face scared her to no measure. She wanted- she needed- she __**has**__ to run. _

_"__No – you don't get to do that."_

_"__Love, if it's me, I'll leave. Just don't do this to your parents, __**please**__," he begged. "I'll take the Jolly- the first boat out of her and I'll leave."_

_The mention of the Jolly Roger triggered something in her and she broke. _

_"__**No**__! Don't you see?" she was on the brink of tears. "__**I **__have to be the one that leaves before __**I **__get left behind." He stares at her, and it's a moment of silence before she speaks again. "When you- he- the cursed you said you were leaving, __**that **__scared me. I've been left by everyone – my parents, my countless numbers of foster families, Neal – and I just can't bare to be left by you."_

_He looks away, unable to stare at her for some reason and she tries to reach out to him, tries to reach for his arm, but he shrugs it off, and she instinctively takes a few steps back._

_"__You-," his voice is shaky but he persists, "you know how it feels to be left, and yet you're going to leave?" He doesn't have to raise his voice for her to know he's angry. "You're telling me," he begins slowly, putting one foot forward towards her, "that you know what it feels like to be left behind? That you felt this burning emptiness in your heart?" he jabs at his chest just above where his heart lays. "That you feel the pain amplify because you already know what life is like without her, and how you know you'll probably just drown yourself in rum in a sorrowful attempt to forget her? Are you telling me that you know how just like that, your world seems meaningless?"_

_She feels the tear roll down her cheek, but she quickly wipes it away, trying to take attention off her trembling lips._

_"'__Cause if you are, love," he continues, "and you're __**still**__ choosing to leave – then I am done," he almost whispers the last part, as if even saying it physically pains him._

_(It does)_

_"__What does- what does that mean?" her voice shakes, frightened at his possible answer._

_"__I mean if you leave – I won't come for you. I will still- bloody hell, I will __**always**__ love you – that I can swear upon – but if you still leave, I promise I wont come after you. It will hurt to no end, but I won't chase you. So, please, love, don't go." His voice cracks at the last sentence, his eyes watery as they stare right into her soul. _

_"__You'll survive," she whispers, more tears beginning to roll down her cheeks – she doesn't bother hiding them anymore._

_"__Aye, but I won't __**live**__."_

_He always had a flair for dramatics._

_"__Don't be ridiculous," she says incredulously. _

_"__I won't. I have nothing – no reason to live any longer, and the both of us can confirm that I've been on this earth for much longer than my time. If you leave, I won't have the will to live."_

_In those short moments of silence, she replays his words over and over, trying to detect a lie. She finds that they're all sincere, every single word he's muttered is the truth._

_And the truth frightens her._

_"__I think you should go," she murmurs hoping that her quiet tone will soften the blow. She doesn't look at him as she speaks the words, distracting herself by trying to memorize the pattern of the room's carpet._

_He sighs, and she can just imagine his shoulders slumping in defeat. She sees his balled fist loosen and watches the color return to his white knuckles. He's hesitant, she can tell from the way he shuffles on the spot. Even as she sees him raise his hand to her chin to tilt her head up, she doesn't look at him, forcing her eyes shut because she can only imagine the pain in his eyes and she doesn't think she can handle it. She doesn't know what's happening, but she still feels his hand holding her chin, and the next thing she knows, soft lips are pressed onto her forehead, and she sighs at the gesture, relaxing the slightest bit._

_And then both the hand and lips are gone, and she hears the heels of his boots against the wooden floor. When she finally wills herself to open her eyes, he's at the door, leaving the room (and her), closing the door behind him._

It _aches_ – everything aches. She tries telling herself that leaving is the only option, that it's for the best – she repeats this like a mantra in her head – but she can't seem to convince herself of it. She thinks of the honesty in his eyes, the light blueness of them haunting her. She repeats how he hadn't hesitated when he told her he loved her (not that she didn't already know it) or how he didn't look fazed when she didn't say it back.

_I will __**always**__ love you – that I can swear upon – but if you still leave, I promise I wont come after you._

Even that was the truth, and God was there a part of her that hoped that if she were to run, he's chase. It was ridiculous and completely selfish of her to hope so, given that he'd already done it once (though under completely different circumstances).

She moves to the dresser and opens the drawer, withdrawing a bottle of _Jack Daniel's_ that she'd nicked from the bar and kept hidden from Henry's sight. She doesn't bother getting a glass, simply falling heavily onto her bed and taking a swig straight from the bottle. _At least_, she thinks, _the burn that follows down her throat helps her feel something_. She takes another long sip, though stopping there, not wanting Henry to come back from Regina's the next day to a drunken parent, cause she knows _exactly_ what that's like.

She's tired, exhausted, fatigued, you name it. She allows herself to close her eyes, to take a moment for herself, but all she can think of is '_I won't chase you'_. It's played in her head on repeat and she has no one to blame but herself for forcing him into saying it, but it doesn't hurt any less. It's the last thing she hears before she lets sleep take her.

* * *

Cracking an eye open, she stretches her hand out to reach for her phone. _3:27AM. _She runs her hand down her face as she groggily drags herself out of bed because she's suddenly craving hot chocolate right now. She stubs her toe of the wheel of her luggage bag, reminding her why she's feeling like complete shit at the moment as she makes her way to the door.

She barely drank earlier, but she swears she's not exaggerating the headache. Granny had given her permission to make herself anything anytime she wanted, and Emma would be an idiot to not take advantage of it make hot chocolate for herself at random times of the night.

The initial plan was to just walk quickly past hisroom and straight down the stairs to the diner, but as per usual, plans fail. She tells herself that she's only tempted to go in because she could see the lights clearly still turned on, but she knows had the lights been off, she would still be standing outside deliberating whether or not to knock.

She knocks.

"Killian?" she asks softly, as she taps her knuckles against his door. She gives it ten seconds, because she knows he's upset, and he's allowed ten seconds to choose whether to let her in or not. _Silence_. When she repeats the action and still no one answers, she tries opening the door. It's left unlocked and she turns the knob and pushing the door open carefully.

He's sitting in the chair, fast asleep, using his arms as cushions, as he lies face first on the table, _shirtless_. She scans the room and notices how the clothes he was earlier wearing has been thrown into a corner of the room. She can see he's changed back to his leather pants, meanwhile wondering how uncomfortable it'd be to sleep in those pants.

It's hard not to notice the several scars scattered all across his back, some larger than others. She itches to run her hand up and down his back, soothing the past pains away. She sees his flask laying flat on the table, it's cap on the opposite side of the table. The smell of rum is strong, and she honestly can't blame him, _she_ really wants some rum right now. She's peering over his shoulder, spotting the familiar pages of his journals, when he grumbles in his sleep, moving his head to lay on the other side of his face. Frightened that he might wake up, she takes an involuntary step back.

She's staring at his muscular back again, and boy does she want to kiss the scars away. She's tempted to touch, and she swears it the smell of rum that's making her feel light headed as o she moves a step forward. It's only then when she notices the black tatted skin on the back of his ribs. It's small and she blames just waking up for not being able to see clearly.

A swan, she concludes, a black silhouette of a perfectly inked swan on his back. She couldn't stop herself if she even tried, her hand reaching out on it's own, fingertips grazing the inked skin. She doesn't know when he got it, (probably during the year he was away) but she doesn't seem to care. He'd stained his skin permanently with a symbol of her, and she doesn't know why it makes her tear.

His skin is warm and soft, as she continues running her fingers along his back. She goes over the larger scar twice, wishing one day he'd tell her the story behind it, behind all his scars. She imagines a swashbuckling tale of his crew versus Blackbeard's (simply because she can't think of any other pirate, though _he's_ probably not real) and him getting nicked on the back as he goes in for the killing strike.

He grumbles in his sleep, and murmurs a word that sounds painfully like '_Emma_' and she flinches. She backs away because he rousing from his sleep, but she's out the door before he can fully wake up.

She intends on going to the diner, but the urge dissipates as she's reaching the door. She turns and moves towards the inn's door, the cool midnight breeze blowing against her face as she pushes the heavy door open.

She's sitting on the bench overlooking the lake when she hears the sound of the door opening and closing at a distance. At this time, the only possible explanation was Killian.

She's so sure of it, she doesn't turn when she asks, "What happened to the _Jolly Roger_?"

He sighs, long and tired from somewhere behind her, "She's gone."

He doesn't want to talk about who has her and she _understands_, but she's been racking her brain over it that she has to ask.

"Why did you do it? You _loved_ her." She still doesn't face him when she feels him settle next to her, making sure to leave some space between the two of them.

"I- The town needed you. Storybrooke would be in shambles had I not gone after you."

_The town_. She knows he only says it not to scare her off, but it still hurts.

"It wasn't even me who defeated Zelena," she laughs humorously.

"It wasn't?"

_Right_, he didn't know the story.

She scoffs, "Turns out Regina had some light magic in her. Who knew, huh?"

"True Love does wonders, even to the darkest of hearts," he says quietly and she knows he isn't just talking about Regina and Robin. He sighs as he withdraws his flask, taking a long swig of what is definitely rum. She wants to ask how he had refilled his flask so quickly, but it would probably confirm his suspicions of her being in his room.

"You changed back," she turns slightly, nodding at his clothing. He's put on a shirt (_thank God_) and has his leather coat back on. He smiles shortly, his eyes meeting hers for a second before looking away, sighing and looking out at the lake.

"That wasn't me."

He massages his temples, continuing not to look at her as he fiddles with the rings on his fingers. His other arm is still bare, no hook or prosthetic hand, though it is hidden by his coat sleeve. He notices her staring, but continues to absently play with the rings.

"He was a good guy-"

"Of course _you'd_ think so," his voice is controlled, but she can hear the underlying tone.

"And what does _that _mean?"

He scoffs, and she crinkles her eyebrows in question. She's unsure exactly why he's acting this way, but he's been acting off ever since he'd gotten his memories back. "You know exactly what it means. The moment I woke up cursed you bloody act like you- like you _like _me or something."

"What?"

He stands up abruptly and she follows too, stepping closer just to challenge him.

"You showed your distaste towards _me clearly, _love," he says, gesturing his hand up and down his body. "It's obvious which version you prefer, and as good as it felt to be _noticed _by you, that _wasn't_ me."

"You're being ridiculous, you're fucking jealous of _yourself_?" she pushes him back strongly, but he's firm on his feet and doesn't move an inch. "You think I _hate _you or something? You think I gave up my magic from someone I hate? I could have let you die!"

"Then maybe you should have!" he snaps but his face falls immediately, regret at his words apparent on his face as he steps back. He turns to walk away, but she grabs hold onto his arm, pulling him back into the argument.

"You really want to die?"

"I didn't mean-"

"Stop saying you don't mean things!"

"I just- it's ridiculous, you're right. I apologize." He shakes his head and stares down at his feet. "I'm sorry, I'm drunk and I haven't a clue what I'm saying."

"Killian," she begins softly, and he looks up at her. He looks broken and vulnerable, and she doesn't feel angry anymore, instead wishing she could just kiss it away.

And so she does.

She tilts her head up just slightly, drawing his lips to hers and he hesitates for the slightest moment before moving his mouth in against hers. She slides her arm around his torso, pulling him closer and it seems to make him more confident, bringing his bad arm around her waist while his hand moves to cradle her face.

They pull away simultaneously, resting their foreheads against each other's while keeping their eyes closed, basking in the moment. They're in sync, and she feels as though she's been waiting for this for way too long and that she's fought it for _much, much longer._

"_Emma_," he breathes out, and she feels his breath on her lips, "I'm so sor-"

She shushes him with another sweet kiss, and it's effective in shutting him up. "I'm not leaving – I won't leave."

"No?" he asks shakily, pulling away to look at her in the eye as if to see if it was true. She nods, teary eyed, and he pulls her into an embrace, stroking her hair softly and she swears he's whispering '_thank god, thank god', _and she smiles against his shoulder.

"I love you," he murmurs, and she stiffens. She knows he feels her body tense, but he continues stroking her hair anyway.

"I-"

"It's alright, lass – even if you never say the words, I'll love you nonetheless," he says and it makes her feel as though everything is going to be _okay_.

She finds she's happy with _okay_.

"One day," she promises, pulling herself out of his arms to look into his cerulean colored eyes. They're honest and true, and everything from earlier is forgotten. She smiles at him, and his lips tilt upwards, curling into a soft grin.

"Yeah?"

She kisses him hard on the lips because he _needs _this, he needs to know she's serious and that she's sure. (She needs it too, but he's always laid his heart out bare, it was time for her to do the same) He smiles brightly and he looks _happy_ as they pull away once more, his hand coming to cup her chin and thumb at her lower lip.

_It's okay to be happy,_ she hears a voice say in her head, and she lets herself believe it.

"Yeah."

* * *

**A/N: No more angst, I swear - ****I think****.. **

**Thank you for all the reviews, follows and favourites! I really do appreciate them! **(✿◠‿◠)


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